looking back, I don't know when things started to unravel. I do remember
times of feeling very aware of it and my heart breaking. not that I didn't fight
like hell and give it my all. because I did. I really did. there just comes a time
when it is more important to be whole - when closing the store is the brave
thing to do. and I never thought I'd say that...because I believe in marriage.
I wanted the dream.
And I tried everything to make it work. but it didn't. so I will move on.
I am not a victim. (rockstar, yes. victim, no).
I believe happiness lies within us. I believe life is like a choose your own
adventure book...many options for a happy ending. So, maybe I'm not on page
28 like I thought I'd be right now - like I wanted to be - but page 47 also
leads to a pretty good ending.
So, if my posts still seem cheery, forgive me. I've just been grieving this for a long time, slowly mourning this dream. I've cried for a long time and am relieved to move on, as insensitive as that sounds. I know there will be more tears, like on Thursday as I watch my family enjoy our last holiday together, and again as I unpack Christmas ornaments, and many more. But there are other dreams. I am more than my marriage.
In the meantime, I will continue to seek out beauty in the world, for there is much to be found.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
repainting the fence
"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the
scenery while on a detour."
"If you are not happy here and now, you never will be." ~Taisen Deshimaru
"Happiness is a function of accepting what is." ~Werner Erhard
"Some pursue happiness, others create it."
"Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response."
I hope you'll still read my blog. While I try and write for myself, I do like knowing you're there. the last thing I want, is to be defined as a...divorcee. I am still cjs. still trying to be a great mom. sister. daughter. friend. writer. artist...
g'nite.
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25 comments:
there are so many dreams unfulfilled for everyone. you are STILL an example to me, if not more...showing me how to be, love, create, chase dreams, etc. and yes...still invest in marriage, but to know that it does not define us. you show me how to be happy and, in doing so, i find i love all those around me so much more. that blue fence is pretty rockin' if you ask me.
Sometimes the best change on the dream is no fence at all...open, spacious, unfettered. And sometimes, when we pass those traditional, perfect white picket fences it is good to remember--most of them are plastic now. Just be...not in reaction or revolving around this experience but just being because you so ARE, girl. When I was little, grandma kept me busy in church by handing me a scribble on a notepad and I was to make something out of it--I got quite good at it and kept her quite busy in church. When you have a scribble--make some fine art!
love you sister! Thinking and praying for you often these days....don't forget that the door is always open here on Sunrise Dr.
...and seriously...divorcee? what a yucky word...I personally hate it...smacks of Wisteria Lane!
Where, BTW, that blue fence would look amazing!
Um, I Dunno...I think Im DONE with you. hahahahaha!! And, Im with Dad. I vote for no fence at all. who said there has to be one? love you tons! Barb
You're amazing... I can see that new strength already bubbling up from within! I think you're going to be like a beautiful brilliant tulip that emerges from cold dark soil.... and surprises everyone (including yourself!!)
You go, girl!
i
love
you!
make sure you stop by and see jen gray today...
http://www.jengray.com/
word verification: prosper
my last comment might be misunderstood, so hoping i can delete it.....
i'll keep it simple.
i love you. you ARE a Rock Star with or without fencing.
"I hope you'll still read my blog"...okay this part you gotta get -- how HOW could we quit reading NOW? (brown cow) :-)
Because now,
see,
now you are more real to us than ever.
You shared the darkness.
Now we know that the light you shine for us, your readers, is real.
Do you see?
I have a heavy heart for you. I know you have given it your all and then some. You WILL get through this. Your girls will, too. I know you will make sure of it.
I am here...write me, call me, anytime. Or just post it out into blogland, and I am here just to read and "listen".
You WILL get through this. And although there are many yucky sides of divorce, I suspect you will also be surprised that there are some pretty good feelings in store for you, too...like feeling incredibly FREE. Free to be the person you are meant to be, free to make your own choices, free to live without the tension...free to do projects and create and leave your coffee cup wherever the hell you want to that day...and clean it when you feel like it. Just sayin'.
Love you!!
jc
or throw it away cause it's to moldy to salvage...
couldn't help it:)
You have a life to live and dreams to fulfill! Please, live it to your fullest! I will continue to read and love your creative spunk, encouragement, and I want to see your great Goodwill finds! Love the photo of the fence...great find and I like it all chipped...it's real life!
Every woman deserves the white picket fence they dreamed of. Let us know when and we'll help you re-build it (figuratively and literally). That's what friends do.
John
I'll always read your blog Carin!
And I suspect your blog will soon reflect those growing, discovering, reaching edges of your life...and we will celebrate with you those laughing moments with your girls, those splendid encounters with life and those events that bring you wonder and warmth. Hang ornaments on the tree, place a welcoming wreath on the door, hide a mystery on the top shelf of the closet...the best is before you. Beauty and depth weren't wasted on you, my dear...and we've just begun to see it.
C -
I was "there" many years ago. My defining moment came when it occurred to me that if my girls were watching with wide-open eyes (as I knew they were), that they would think - even though perhaps subconsciously - that this was an acceptable way to live. It wasn't. Not for them. Not for me. I was afraid - because I had so many lives in my hands - but I did the right thing. For everyone. I am happy to say that I got myself back. And I refuse to lose "me" again. You're strong - and you come from good stock - and you will make it. All of you will make it. And everyone will be better for your decision. You might seem like you are alone at times - but you won't be. You have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. And you are a STRONG woman. Keep loving yourself.
I don't know you and I just happened upon your blog. I am saving it in my favorites. Because of my own life I am touched by your words. I, unlike you, do not have the strength right now to move on. I want to. I see that others can do it. you are! I need to feed off of your strength and know it will be alright. God bless you. Your words inspire me.
You said it. Rockstar, yes, victim, NO. Feeling for you and the rest of your family.
I know you can rejoice in the holidays. (there is decorating involved)
Love,K
hey girl. this is just rough stuff to be going through. you have such a great "support team" here in you blogland. i feel embarrassed that you mentioned me. humbled.
you can pull through all this yucky crap. you can come out stronger. you can rise to the top. you can be the bigger person. set the example to your girls of what a real grown up mature strong woman does to handle this the right way. i have some examples in our life of divorce without the fighting...without the loud emotional stuff in front of the kids. without the hurtful behvior towards each other.
and then i have examples in my life of the opposite and you can SEE the kids hurting so obviously at being in the middle of that.
you can do it. you can do better for your girls than that the childish fighting and holding grudges and manipulation that (often) divorce brings.
you are too strong for that.
too awesome for that.
i am so sorry that this has happened but you will make it through. and what an example you are already to so many who are struggling themselves.
rockstar!
thinking of you so much and wanting to hug you! sending a hug your way in Kelle's suitcase!!
xoxo
Holy crap with your dad's analogy with the scribble at church.
Want a DNA test done on all the Crydermans.
Stat.
even in pain you continue to inspire and teach us how to be better, love better, strive for more...happiness. we all deserve it and you are goin' to get it!!!
love you.
xoxo
love you!
you couldn't keep us away!
okay, so this is how I found your blog. I was editing my profile info and I noticed that my favorite movies were underlined, I thought, hummmmm, wonder what happens when you click on it. Up pops all the people that have You've Got Mail as one of their fav movies. Then, I am reading along and you have a quote from the movie, about closing the shop, oh love!!!!! I have no good reason why I love this movie, I just do. It's like a happy place.
Your "happy" quotes are very meaningful. I need to have more of this perspective in my life.
Thank you for sharing your story, for not keeping it all to yourself.
I am happy to have found you, blessings to you on this journey.
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