Ukulele on the Square.

A Day in the D.

 Snapshots…from an afternoon in Detroit. First stop, Detroit Institute of Arts. Because of poor planning, we arrived hungry. So, for the first half hour, Sydney was grumpy. Then, Savannah was grumpy about Sydney being grumpy. Not to be outdone, Somer started whining that Savannah is always mean while I began to question my parenting, why we ventured out hungry, and why I had kids. We made our way downstairs to the café and watched, as if in slow motion, the gate close right before our eyes. At this point, I was trying pretty hard not to get frustrated – with myself, with the museum, with life, and with Sydney as a scene began to unfold, revealing her age of 12 years and 362 days. After just paying the admission, I really didn’t want to jet for fast food after only a half hour of culture, so we walked a bit further, Sydney dragging up the rear, in search of vending machines. Classy. I crossed my fingers and prayed to all I hoped existed as I led my girls on a hunt for funyons and famous amos. We had hardly walked a few feet before hearing music – and then, there it was, just around the corner…a large, sunny courtyard that seemed to appear out of nowhere…with high brick walls all around us and a glass ceiling way up above. We tiptoed in and there in the back, behind the rows of people, was a tiny little café. With food. And, WINE. We stocked up, found a table, and waited for applause before opening our cellophane wrapped sandwiches and bags of chips. It seems these moments are always magical in our minds as we plan them, and then reality happens - whining. fighting. yelling. But, I sat there with my girls, our snacks, and my glass of wine, happy it had all just happened exactly as it had. Our rough start had made the moments that followed even sweeter. And, that may have very well been the best glass of wine I've ever had. For a moment, I felt like I was in a European country as I sat and sipped, taking it all in...the brick, warm sunlight, beautiful music, and my happy kids. The concert concluded and we browsed more galleries, mimicking sculptures and falling in love with a bright stairway along the way. When they closed at five, the friendly docents said good bye and insisted we return on a Friday night for activities and more live music.  From there, we headed to Greektown, via the people mover, for hummus and spinach pie. It was a really good day, much like this one.

happy saturday.

At soccer game...cheering for Somer. 

glasses: $3.80

"Bravery never goes out of fashion." 
William Makepeace Thackeray 

enjoy today.

After healing and adjustment, there is much about living alone that I've come to enjoy.

Like, right now.

Candles, low lights, and Thievery Corporation on Pandora playing loudly from the Mac, all uninterrupted by fighting, complaints of hunger, lost belts, and no toilet paper.

The music is trancelike...I feel like that girl. Cosmopolitan. Like her. Living in a Scandinavian country with a short haircut and minimalist furniture.

But, like anything, there is a flip.

Amidst the happy hours of heels, popped collars, and firm handshakes, amidst the clanking glasses as smiling faces yell, "cheers!",  reality bites.
A text from daughter saying, "I miss you."
At an appointment with attractive psychologist, he asks why my hands are orange.
My face turns red, complimenting my orange palms.  "Sunless tanner."

In moment of boredom, I jump on Match to see shirtless 39 year old, "hotloveready", and a winning caption of, "Lookin' fo someone ta hang whit." 

A reader asked if I was as hard on myself as I seem, and if so, why?

Yes, I am hard on myself.  I can think of a million reasons why, but to come up with something truly definitive and conclusive...tough.  

Insecurity?  Possibly.

Martyrdom? I hope not.

I do know I want to grow.  

I want to be more.  

But, so do a lot of people.
And, lots of people are hard on themselves.

Finding the balance between being enough and striving for more is difficult.

At what point do we just accept our dysfunction and make the best of it and at what point do we fight like hell to overcome and be more?

Another reader, "with the confidence of a mouse", asked what I might tell my 24 year old self.  And, I've been thinking...

(btw, I'm always afraid these anonymous commenters are people I know)

First of all, 24 (if you're real), you have more confidence than you think you have.  You have more than a mouse if you've acknowledged your lack...if you've asked.  You're no poser.  You're searching.  Keep searching.  Keep asking.  This I am today, that I will be tomorrow.  And, that, is how you will be what you want tomorrow...if you acknowledge and accept who you are today.  Everyone has insecurities.  Everyone. While I feel like I've grown and am more comfortable in my skin, I don't know that anyone ever really...arrives and is like, yeah, I found it.  I'm super badass confident now. Oh, there are days when I might feel like that.  But, two days later I don't.  It's just holding your head high and taking leaps in spite of how you feel. It's knowing despite all the stuff on the outside, we're all the same on the inside.  Be 24.  Do everything 24 year olds do.  Move.  Do.  Leap. Try.  Make mistakes. Reinvent.  I've learned more from bravery than from shrinking.  As much as you yearn for what lies ahead, try not to.  It will come soon enough. No one is thinking about you or caring what you're doing like you think they might be.  If at all possible, do and be what you want, with less worry of...cool. 

I had a youth pastor who said something like this...

You grow up always wishing for the next stage.  You can't wait to turn thirteen and be a teenager.  When you're a teenager, you can't wait until you can get your license and drive.  When you get your license, you can't wait to be 18 and a real adult.  When you're 18, you can't wait until you're 21 and can drink legally (he actually left that part out...conservative church...drinking was taboo at any age).  When you're 21, you can't wait until you're married. When you're married, you can't wait until you have a baby.  When you have a baby, you can't wait until they can walk.  When they can walk...

And, then, before you know it, you're looking back on all that.  Before you know it, you could be divorced with orange palms, perusing hotloveready on match.  

Morale of the story:

Enjoy today.

alive.

I am alive.

And, once again, don't know where to start.

So, bear with me while I grab the WD40 and grease these rusty wheels.

Since my last post,

I advanced to the next round in my speech contest and won second place.  Now, if you were across from me right now, you'd see my shoulders fall and you'd likely sense a bit of contrived joy at such accomplishment.  You might tell me to get over myself.  You might say, "Who do you think you are, Carin?"  And, I'd likely hang my head and say, I know.  I know.  I should be proud.

And, I should.

My beloved Sat had a blowout on the highway.

My sister's book was released and hit the NYT best seller list.  So cool.  So surreal.

My middle started track and yearns for her coaches to believe in her.

My youngest started yet another season of soccer with the best group of girls and lives for an after-school scrimmage.

My eldest took a pop fly ball to the mouth at softball practice resulting in a long evening in ER, prolonged orthodontist bill, but most significantly, an opportunity to comfort, push, and bond.

I discovered First Aid Kit station on Pandora combined with a glass of wine, combined with Scandinavian blog perusal makes for a lovely evening.

I painted my dresser, thrifted a new duvet cover, pitched crap, and thus, created a haven in my bedroom.

I've tried to set more mother/daughter boundaries with said new haven.  But, then just as soon as I get all these...strict rules in my head and these angry, assertive "I need my space, from now on life is going to be like this" speeches, they all climb in my bed on Friday night and we talk serious about life, followed by laughter, followed by silence, followed by, "I love you, Mom."

I bought an iMac.

I feel guilty about purchasing an iMac.

Even though it was refurbished.
Even though our old laptop was missing keys.
Even though we had to learn braille to get on Facebook.
Even though "affordable PC's" were only a hundred dollars cheaper.

I was asked to emcee Earth Day at my work last week...just two days before the event.  It was a big deal. Total score. Colleagues were present.  Directors were present.  Legislators.  The Lieutenant Governor.  Lots of little kids.  Parents and principals.  And, most importantly, Sydney and Somer.  I felt like Erin Brockovich.

Yes, I am alive.
Quite alive.

G'nite.

Your turn.  I'm curious...what do you like to read about on here?    

clever is easy.

"Cleverness is a gift, kindness is a choice.  Gifts are easy - they're given after all.  Choices can be hard.  You can seduce yourself with your gifts if you're not careful, and if you do, it'll probably be to the detriment of your choices....

Tomorrow, in a very real sense, your life - the life you author from scratch on your own - begins.

How will you use your gifts?  What choices will you make?

Will inertia be your guide, or will you follow your passions?

Will you follow dogma, or will you be original?

Will you choose a life of ease, or a life of service and adventure?

Will you wilt under criticism, or will you follow your convictions?

Will you bluff it out when you're wrong, or will you aplogize?

Will you guard your heart against rejection, or will you act when you fall in love?

Will you play it safe, or will you be a little bit swashbuckling?  When it's tough, will you give up, or will you be relentless?

Will you be a cynic, or will you be a builder?

Will you be clever at the expense of others, or will you be kind?"

Written by Amazon founder Jeff Bezos.  Found on Explore, "a discovery engine for meaningful knowledge, fueled by cross-disciplinary curiosity".  Thank you, Maria Popova

closing time.

In thirteen minutes, the door will close on 35 and 36 will begin.

The celebration began Saturday evening and included: dinner with Kathy, dancing, and quite possibly, my best plank thus far.
Festivities continued today with Barb and a trip to Ikea involving both tears and laughter.
The latter may or may not have been precipitated by Ellen's Dance Dare in aisle 2.  And in the As-Is section.  And in the checkout lane.

My weekend concluded with some solitude accompanied by Swedish coffee, lemony gingersnaps, and a movie, Away We Go.

Fun was had.

God Bless the Swedes.

I have great friends.

Plank.

Thirteen minutes have now passed.

Time to go out to the places I will be from.

I am now,

36.

(if you thought my plank was impressive, check this out...my new role model.)

thankful.

today I am thankful I drive a Saturn and not a Transit Connect.

photo shoot.

The Great Lakes Collective (they promote bands).

my favorite kind of shoot.
20 minutes.
play-it-by-ear.
figure-it-out-as-we-go.

pics will accompany article in Revue Magazine.

thanks, rich, nick, and adam!

training complete.

Because sometimes they needn't be tamed.

on to the next.

woot woot.  next round, april 11th at MSU.

training.

 

on our chalkboard.

If Steve Jobs never failed, an apple would be a hard, crunchy fruit.

If Thomas Edison never failed, you'd be brushing your teeth by candlelight.

So, go take some risks today.

To failing!

(thank you, jo)

through.

on subscribing.

My cousin, Carolyn, who once was lost, but now is found, said recently in one of her comments, "Here's what I think about the yearning. We need language to talk about the new god that we are seeking. The old language doesn't work for us any more."  

I agree.

And, I don't think the insufficiency in language is specific to Christianity, but spans our search as a whole.  In his new book, Religion for Atheists, philosopher and atheist Alain de Botton acknowledges the holes in atheism and the failure of secular society to address two central needs of humanity:

"...firstly, the need to live together in communities in harmony, despite our deeply rooted selfish and violent impulses. And secondly, the need to cope with terrifying degrees of pain which arise from our vulnerability to professional failure, to troubled relationships, to the death of loved ones and to our decay and demise...The error of modern atheism has been to overlook how many aspects of the faiths remain relevant even after their central tenets have been dismissed.”

I like that.

And, not just that, but his willingness to look beyond a definitive atheistic box....his refusal to just blindly subscribe and discredit the other side. I'm here; you're there. Such blind subscription is easy. We don't have to think as much; just follow your box.  And, I think it's easy to just let the box define you more than who you really are.

In this TED talk, de Botton differentiates between secular society and religion, adding that secularism is all about [higher] education and information - the lecture.  Religion, on the other hand, is more about sermonizing. "A sermon wants to change your life, and a lecture wants to give you a bit of information. And I think we need to get back to that sermon tradition.”

Touche.

He goes, on, elaborating about other values of religion including rituals, the importance of good oratory, and the need to join together and collaborate in order to change the world. I think what I liked so much about this had less to do with the fact that he is an atheist, and more that he is open minded enough to risk ridicule from peers and actually look to the other side for truth. He is "an independent", acknowledging not just our human need for each other, but the discrepancies in his own belief system - the latter of which, in my opinion, gives him credibility.  So, lest you think I'm proselytizing for atheism, I'm not.  I'm just saying all this because this is the kind of stuff that makes me think and helps me on my quest.  I also say this because whether you are a democrat or a republican, whether you are a Christian or atheist, there is great benefit in looking at all sides, gleaning bits of truth where we can. Because "no knowledge has a monopoly on knowledge." Jonah Leher

I could go on.  But, it's nice outside and if I remember correctly, it is the Sabbath. 

Here's the video...

And thanks to Maria Popova at Brain Pickings for stirring my mind.

saturday putzing.

score.

I planted my feet firmly.
I walked the room.
I made eye contact.
I was dramatic.

"And, then," I said, moving my glance toward another, "the phone rang again."

I paused for effect.

"Carin, you need to catch the next flight. Your sister needs you."

I continued on, telling the story of my niece's arrival, followed by a challenge to follow your dreams and look for beauty in the unexpected.

Cliffhanger at the end.
They laughed.
They applauded.

I won the speech contest.
Director of the DEQ was cc'd on victory email.
Next round is Wednesday night.
It will not be about The Sat.

love contest.

this is cool. try and watch it without tearing up. I did not succeed.

thank you openculture.com for the video.

some midday sylvia plath.

for janita...  (see comment on who am I)

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life..."

“Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted.”  

“When they asked me what I wanted to be I said I didn’t know.
"Oh, sure you know," the photographer said.
"She wants," said Jay Cee wittily, "to be everything.” 

“I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.”  

“I want to write because I have the urge to excel in one medium of translation and expression of life. I can't be satisfied with the colossal job of merely living. Oh, no, I must order life in sonnets and sestinas and provide a verbal reflector for my 60-watt lighted head.” 

“So much working, reading, thinking, living to do! A lifetime is not long enough.”

I get it. You're not alone. My ridiculousness sometimes makes me sad, too.  Emily Dickinson said the fact that life will never come again is what makes it so sweet. 

And, it is sweet. Bloody sweet. This is why I stay up too late.  Every night.  I never want the day to end...don't want to stop writing, reading, learning, reaching, growing, loving...

And, you might not measure up to all your kids' unrealistic, idealistic images of the perfect parent.  Mine didn't and neither am I.  But they did a lot right.  And, they love me.

Here's a song for you.
Now go take a bath.
You'll feel better.  
  
“I am sure there are things that can't be cured by a good bath but I can't think of one.” Sylvia Plath

happy tuesday.

the week in pictures.