we inhabit ourselves
without valuing ourselves
unable to see that here, now
this very moment is sacred
but once it's gone
it's value is incontestable.
Joyce Carol Oates
here I am again. my life whizzing by without record. another blog post about how I want to write more. I started doubting again. "And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." Sylvia Plath. I know this, dammit. When I am writing regularly, I am not afraid. There is no judgement. But, when I procrastinate, my perfectionist comes out. I start judging what I write. Because I want to write well. And I want everything to fit and flow with sequence. But one will never write well if one isn't willing to write badly. I sit down and think there is this... perfect post out there...and then I start thinking of every angle I could start from. And then finding just the right song. And making sure my subjects and verbs agree. And then wanting it to be real and authentic. And, then I am paralyzed. It's not like I think people care that much. It's just that I care.
But, I must move past this. Because I'm tired of writing the same damn blog. I want to leave more for my girls. Recorded memories of all the adventures we did together. Even if it's just a night of scattergories and frozen burritoes. I want to write about my life. My triumphs and mistakes. What I had for dinner. My love for thrifting. I want them to look back someday and see me as a real person, not just their mom.
So, here I go. I'm going to try and write every day. I think I will start with thirty days. Might even put it on my calendar. Without thought or judgement. Because this very moment, no matter how insignificant, is sacred.
So much of life is just...showing up. I believe that. So, that is what I'm going to do. Show up. With outgoing guts and the imagination to improvise.
So, without further ado, without rereading, judgement, or self-doubt, I will publish this post. The same damn post I've published a million times.
Monday, August 23, 2010
an experiment
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22 comments:
Yeah!!!
ah..the mysterious anonymous commenter...like a phantom.
nonetheless...thank you for the comment...you make this fun.
:)
I've been waiting for you to come back! Sweet-you have a plan!
Wow! You just totally inspired me!!!! Perhaps I will begin writing more, too. ;) In fact, I may go write about my sons growing so big... :) THANK YOU!!!!!! :D
Corine
I totally get ya. I feel the same way, but usually end up reading other blogs more than blogging myself after the kids are in bed. But hey, I get so much from the read!
I can't wait to read it every day!! Love ya! :)
sometimes when you can't write, post photos
photos are a story in themselves
that way you can document in visuals what the girls are doing, what is happening in your life....around you....in your house....or your latest hairstyle....a new thrift find....a deal on a new something or other....or something that you just want sooooo bad....or your dog!
it doesn't matter
we like you....we just want to know about you
you have desires just like the rest of us....and we want you to share whatever you want with us
we're not going away
we're waiting....for you
just let us in
as we let you in
sounds simple, doesn't it?
because you know, you are a fabulous photographer
and I am sure your pictures will inspire you, give you the encouragement to write about them....or simply - give us pics and let us use our imaginations
we're good at that
did you ever hear Rod Stewart sing "Every picture has a story..........." la la la ♥
love and hugs to you from
'my little part of heaven'
We're all waiting, but take your time. We can't wait to read your words of courage and hope again.
aw, bernie, I love you.
Just wanted to say I love Sylvia Plath and that quote. I should take it to heart and actually write something on my blog I just post pictures and actually started it to be able to contribute to a weekly blog contest that I thought would be fun. This quote beckons me to do more thank you!
Barbara,
Indeed, you should.
Great idea. I am motivated to start my own tonight.
Woohoo, Annie!!! Do it, do it!
Okay!!! I've been in such a funk blog-wise, because nothing startlingly new has happened, or else I'm just too tired to log it.
Okay so starting today I'm going to try to write :-)
Thanks for the kick in the pants! You said exactly what I feel!
,,,cjs, already with this "post" you have inspired many,,,it doesn't matter if the "subjects and verbs agree" or if the "right song" pairs well with the words written,,,and is there really a "perfect post"?,,, Nah,,,"perfect" is in the eye of the beholder (you know like the "beauty" thing),,,your followers, we're HERE, we subscribe because we enjoy the words you choose to type, we love the view from your lens and peeking into the world of cjs,,,it's more fun if you "show up",,,until tomorrow,,,be well!(smile)
YAY!!! I'm looking forward to reading more...I began to read your blog last weekend (while back to school "to do" lists beckoned & I ignored.) And it seemed oh so familiar. Like a book I had read long ago, or a movie I had just seen, but my recall had been diminished. Yet, by the "end" (which would be the 8/23 post) it became less of a blog & more of a beautifully woven story. The story of you, and the tapestry of your life. The endings. The middles. The beginnings. The ups. The downs. The in-betweens. The stitches of life (the 'fix-its'). And the 'purls' (the beauty) of life. It ALL seemed SO familiar... And then, it hit me. I know where I have "read" this story, and "watched" the same scenes play out: In my own life. As a recently divorced mom to 3 of the most beautiful boys (spoiler alert: I'm biased!) ever graced by God, my story has also been written, rewritten, woven, torn apart, scrapped, canned, rewritten, rewoven again & again. In other words: I am still discovering my story & it is so very refreshing to hear another going through life as I do. You have a wonderful gift of optimism. A hard find these days. I found your words inspiring, hilarious, refreshing and real. I could relate. So keep those inspiring quotes, awesome home decor finds, rockin' shoe & boot updates comin'! Oh, yea, any & all posts on my beloved MSU Spartans/E. Lansing are soooo appreciated! I am a Michigan girl, born & bred! (Long story. I now live in Cleveland, as my ex's law firm is here. The end) Looking forward to more ramblings, girl! -Holly
Holly, you just made me cry...and you made my day.
and, RMAinMD...thank you, thank you.
and amie, corine and rosa, I'm humbled that you would subscribe.
and, my own molly and kulio....thank you for reading and commenting.
Awww...That was so sweet! Thank you!
Hello cjs...I'm new here; I've been following along on your sister's incredible blog for a long time now and linked over to yours after reading so many of her entries singing your praises.
Honestly, I feel a little weird coming over here and posting; I feel like I'm walking into your living room while you're sitting around chatting with your family and friends, plopping myself down on your floor and invading your conversation. :(
What compels me to post is your description in this entry; your explanation of wanting your posts to be 'perfect', and then the fear of its' inadequacy keeps you from writing, at all. I so get this! I can't even tell you how many times I've started (and then stopped) writing in my own blog for that very reason!
For what it's worth, your writing is beautiful. You have a gift with words (clearly, it runs in your family!). I hope you find success in your 30-day challenge and that it is just a starting point to greasing the wheels of pen-to-paper (or in our case, fingers-to-keyboard!).
Anyway, it's nice to 'meet' you. I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading along. Hope you don't mind. :)
Cheers,
Angie
I recently found you blog. . . I love it. . . I'm glad you are writing again.
Keep it up. There is an authenticity to your voice that is lacking in many blogs of this genre.
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