You can feel the heat on your face...you can see it...in the distance. Smoke...from a forest fire...drifting to the sky and then quickly disappearing...like a ghost. But what you don't see...is the quiet regeneration...the seeds...enveloped in their cones...safe...comfortable...until the heat of the fire...melts the resin and primes them for release....for rebirth...and for growth.
No one ever promised that life would be easy. About a year and a half ago, my marriage of fourteen years ended and I watched that which I gave my life to...fall apart. It wasn't supposed to happen. It never is. He was a pastor. And I, a stay-at-home mom. We were the perfect family...at least on the outside. New words were quickly added to my vocabulary. Words like...custody. Ex-husband. It was a vocabulary I never wanted...no one ever does. Months later, my middle daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, adding yet more unwanted words to my vocabulary. Insulin. Sharps. So, I'm not on page 67 in the book that is my life. I'm on page 46. But's it's ok. The book is still really good. Because it's a choose your own adventure book. And this is a great chapter. No longer defined by my white picket fence...safe...comfortable...I am rediscovering who I am...finding joy in writing...in photography...and in all that is Savannah, Sydney, and Somer, my three daughters who make me a better person. Our days are filled with volleyball games and soccer practices where I am that embarrassing mom who screams and yells while they pretend not to hear. We go home to crock pot meals, games of scattergories, along with fights over clothes and time on the internet. I'm in school again, pursuing an English or Journalism degree, and made the Dean's list last semster. I enjoy intermittent running and hope to someday complete a triathlon...because I have so much time on my hands. I love a night out with friends...singing bad karaoke or dancing like a fool at The Green Door. John Heywood said, "If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you....will....grow....vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be."
The fire is passing now...faint smoke still remains. I still feel the heat sometimes, but it fuels me...priming me...for rebirth...for growth. And beneath the surface, there is quiet regeneration as a small seedling... slowly...breaks free.
(and thank you to my dad who gave me the jack pine inspiration)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
speech.
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32 comments:
Yay for page 46!!! I like to think I'm about 10 seconds in and the movie is like 100 hours :)
. . . And out of the ashes comes beauty. . .
Your words are strong and your writing never ceases to inspire. . .
Thank you for that.
"This book is still really good."
-I love that.
Remember, the first chapters are often just to set the stage for all the energy, resolution and reward that come in the last. They are the "building and developing narrative" that allows you to fully feel and celebrate what happens later. Great speech, Jack...as in Pine.
you will rock this! the girls will rock this! truthfully, at the end of the day the only thngs that really matter is how we handle things! be strong and your life will play out beautifully...
wow....truly awesome. I.love.it.
Kelly
kellywhite@rogers.com
Incredible.
You.
The speech.
Your story.
You inspire.
Thank you.
I live in a state that relies on fire for jobs and economy. We fight it to save homes and reduce destruction. But the thing is...wild fire has to happen. It's completely essential for the health of the forest, it's inhabitants and it's future. It's uncomfortable and unpredictable and often devastating but it has to burn a little for the greater good.
Awesome!
Your writing is very inspiring.
Congrats on the speech!
You brought tears to my eyes.
So inspiring and beautifully written.
Your girls are so lucky to have you as their mom and role model.
Good luck with school and all that you do and I so enjoy your blog.
strong. powerful. spiritual. confident. promising. superior. energy. new life. hope. opportunity. beautiful.
All words that came to mind when reading your speech.
The fire is out. The smoke is clearing. New life is appearing. Enjoy the view. Enjoy the fresh air. Dance. Sing. Smile. You rocked the speech. Thank you for sharing.
Great speech!
I'm not surprised that you won! :)
I've been going through a life re-defining experience that "wasn't supposed to happen". We always think that don't we? And, we'll all go through something sooner or later.
New growth does come through the process, I've learned firsthand. You are inspiring with your honesty and outlook. What a wonderful gift you are giving to your daughters through it all. Such strong women they will become.
God bless you.
"No longer defined by my white picket fence...safe...comfortable...I am rediscovering who I am...finding joy in writing...in photography...and in all that is Savannah, Sydney, and Somer, my three daughters who make me a better person. Our days are filled with volleyball games and soccer practices where I am that embarrassing mom who screams and yells while they pretend not to hear. We go home to crock pot meals, games of scattergories, along with fights over clothes and time on the internet."
Carin. This is all I have ever wanted for my life. These simple words brought tears to my eyes. This is the type of mother I dream of being, like my own mom is, and like you are. You are incredible, and your daughters are beyond lucky to have you.
That was beautiful. What an incredible family you have. You are fierce indeed. Fueled by the energy of your daughters, I'm sure you'll one day complete a triathlon but I'm not sure why you'd want to..LOL. Stay strong.
Maria
it sounds
to me
that u mama
were never to be
surrounded by
a white fence
u have fire
unleashed talents
and u just
rock this life
bad or good
the white fence
was holding u in
now it's time for u
to use full throttle
move from page to page
don't close
any chapters
u go
in ur aldi special
and find urself
i know
u will feel the heat
but use it
to fuel u
not take u down
total congrats
on ur winning speech
keep knocking down
those white pickets
u NEED more space
ciao
xoxo rosa
no longer defined by the white picket fence...
yes, that is really living. once we shed all the labels and roles that we think make us who we are. we are not the wife, the mother, the runner, the writer, the sister.
we are the living, breathing spirit, the seer, that is always with us, deep inside. i think some of us can catch glimpses of who we are in the quiet. or stillness.
you are brave to be who you really are.
(congrats on the speech! also brave :))
yahoo!!!
,,,always thought the "white picket fence" was a little over rated,,,page 46 is serving you well and soon 47, 48, and 49 you'll be ready for,,,
Awesome speech! Who knows what places you'll go on pages 55-56? OH, and how about that wild adventure on page 67? And you'll be so glad that your journey will take you to page 71...
Choose your own adventure books are the best kind. Who wants to follow someone else's path, anyway?! Sounds like you are WELL on your way to healing...
Blaze your own trail, baby!
I'm not going to lie - I've come back to your page and read this post 7 times. Amazing. I love your story, I love how you're embracing it.
You've been on my mind a lot lately, and I love knowing that despite it all, you're doing just fine.
I loved every word of this post.
I find myself in the midst of a "picket fence world" and while I love every inch of it, I often wonder if I have what it takes to endure the refiner's fire and rise from the ashes.
inspiring.
Rock on, sista friend! I am with you and I get you sooo much. That speech says it all eloquently and excellently and fully. I get you.
Much Love, V
Inspired. Loving the John Heywood quote. Thank you.
u made my day
it's great
to be gotten!
xoxo rosa
Such beautiful words... congrats on your speech. Takes such big courage to put yourself out there... outside fences of our own making (be they white picket or otherwise!) Letting go of "supposed to"'s is the best gift ever.
Cheers to that & to page 46!
Kate
Thanks for being honest. For a reason I can't put my finger on, I too keep coming back to read this for some inspiration. I think, like your other commenter, I am enjoying my 'picket fence' life right now, but am aware that things can change at any moment. I enjoy your blog; thanks for taking the time to do it.
I too have been struggling with things that were "supposed to happen differently" However we can't change the past only define how we want our future to look.
Thank you for sharing and inspiring!
I don't even know you and your words brought tears to my eyes. I too am going through major changes in my life and your words touched my heart. Keep writing!!
I really appreciate you sharing this...I too found myself in this order--widowed with two babies, one who is special needs...divorced with three babies...stay at home mom type gal, figuring out who i am and giving back to the world around me, and understanding that I am worth something... Discovering that I am not alone in this heart of mine.
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