my blog.
You can’t write without living fully and you can’t live fully and still have time to write.
Such has been the paradox of my life over the last few months. But I’ve wanted to write about all of it…every detail, every feeling. The pain. The relief. I can’t help but view all of life as…story. I can’t help but see every moment as a page in my book…something to be recorded. Because it’s all a journey and all beautiful…Sitting alone in tears on the floor of my empty apartment the day I got the keys. Getting my job and running outside to call my mom and dad and tell them. Getting my own car insurance. Hiking the pictured rocks. My first week without my kids and missing them like crazy. Meeting really great people. More trips to the capitol. The day my divorce was final. Accepting and dealing with the D on my forehead and the suspected disapproval it brings from others. People who don’t know what to say, so they say nothing…or they say that God still loves me… Though I can’t say that I blame them…because when you’ve been raised a certain way, sometimes it is all you know. And all of that comes back when I sit down to write…what if someone reads this and doesn’t understand. Because not everyone will…and that is ok, because how can they…especially mutual friends…and family…it gets complicated. I feel like I’ve really tried to be careful…sensitive. But then I feel like I write best when I can freely write uncensored….and I can’t always do that….so, then…I don’t write. And time passes. And then like anything, the longer you don’t write, the harder it is to start back up. But, because I want so badly to record my life, I will keep writing…going back a bit, and for the sake of posterity…say what I need to say.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I miss
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27 comments:
Oh Carin! I love you!
I have missed your postings...checking daily, and nothing.
I was glad to see you wrote..and you write well.
Missing you lots.
say what you need to say...
say what you need to say..
have no fear for giving in...
have no fear for giving over..
you better know that in the end..
it's better to say to much...
than never to say what you need to say again..
SOO GLAD you are saying what you need to say.
Love you so so much...
~hb
i mean too.
sorry.
I'm getting older and dumber.
Welcome back to blogland!
xo :)
Honesty makes the BEST reading, and it draws us close to you -- never fear...and
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” -- C.S. Lewis
Welcome back, C!
Remember this: Be true to one's own self.
We walk our life's path alone. There are trials and tribulations along the way, but as long as you know in your heart you did the best you could, that is enough. God knows the whole, real story - no one else. And He knows you did your best. And isn't that really enough?
Embrace the happy times along with the sad times. All these fragments make you the person you are - the person we all LOVE.
I often think of our individual lives as a quilt - or a jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces fitting into place - one piece at a time. And we are clueless how the overall picture will come together. But God knows. Let's leave our pieces up to Him.
Please stay connected to us, ok? We need the sparkle you put in all of our lives.
I love you, C
Welcome back to this wonderfully metamorphic world of words and images. There was no doubt you were growing and doing and living and loving. There was no doubt God loved you and loves you--His love has no past tense. There was no doubt you were talking and telling the incredible things happening on your journey. Things were dismantled then put back together--even better than before. My prayer has been for ALL to be happy and whole...wounds erased, hurts harnessed into energy for growth and walls removed. Moments and events don't define us...or we would be incompletely defined. But sometimes moments help to reveal who we are and are becoming. I have seen strength, poise, confidence, vulnerability and courage in your moments of late...and it is good. May your tomorrows be even brighter than your todays and from your yesterdays, hold the best and release the rest. Loving u.
your words are so true. as someone going through something quite similar to you, i think i know how you feel . . . wanting to write it out and being afraid to hurt someone's feelings or having the world know how truly vulnerable you might be . . . i'm hoping that you have the strength to write what you want to write and get it out, these pages need to be in your book! and maybe, putting it out there will help others in the same boat as you feel okay with writing their own book. you have a way with words, don't deny yourself the pleasure of writing your feelings, your ups and downs and all the in betweens, its all beautiful and part of you!
carin, God still loves you. bwah ha ha ha. really? really? He does? 'cuz for a minute there i thought he disposed of me and cut all contact for how uncomfortable he felt when he had to face me and the vomitous filth the thought of divorce gave him. oh wait, that wasn't God. that was people. evil sarcasm aside, through all that you've gone through...and heck, what we went through way back when...i've grown so much more knowledgable of "divorce" and while pitying (okay...a strong word to use) those who feel so uber-sorry for "d" peeps and think it's the most horrible thing in the world, i understand they don't know any better. yes, divorce is hard to go through. but so are a lot of things in life. in fact, i can think of a lot worse. and, being a child of divorce myself (hello? we turned out kinda cool...and happy. and able to deal with reality and hard things...), i realize...sometimes it is the path that must be traveled and if all those involved continue to love...continue to give, to learn, to be challenged, to drink in all the other good things life has to offer and to model to their kids that life is what you make it, so make it fabulous...you can get through it a more beautiful you than you were to begin with. marriage does not define us. divorce does not define us. even our children don't define us. we define ourselves...by the way we love and the way we live. take the people's pity...sometimes it's fun...in fact, write down in colored pencil all the dumb things people say and do, cut them out and make a collage out of it. but know, inside, over time, you are painting a picture for all the "pity-ers" that you will reveal little by little...of you, your life, your girls, your choices, your future...a beautiful portrait that says..."see. it ain't that bad. life is still beautiful...if you make it." so happy i've already seen so many sneak-peeks of your new portrait...and yes, it's magnificent. paint on, picasso.
and now, i shall take my soapbox, step off it, wrap up all my bitter sarcasm and pack it up for another day.
love you so much.
p.s. when you get done with 'picture', tote it around and say "my picture's prettier than yours."
okay, now i'm just being caustic.
i don't really think that way, but sometimes it's fun to pretend that i do because when i say things like that, it makes me cackle and laugh in the evil way.
but really...what would jesus do? he'd love everyone and tell them their pictures are very pretty and colorful...even if they did scribble outside the lines.
can't. stop. laughing. you should delete this comment. really...you should.
i'm with kelle and your dad!
what is wrong with some people.
truth be told, i think some people actually SHOULD get divorced. would make some kids happier in the long run even if they don't know it yet. honestly, i ask my mom why she didn't keave my dad.
hey, i love my dad...just thought he sucked at being dad.
love you. u rock. u inspire. and marriage is good, but sometimes it sucks. oh, and i don't see a D on your forehead:)
(cracking myself up at how well i am not articulating this message, but i hope you get what i'm saying)
well i thought i posted a comment, but now i dont know onto who's blog the comment went. ha!
anyway - yes, the big "d" is tough, but i think having miserable parents would be much tougher.
so keep writing, despite the "pityers". don't let them stifle your voice (that's when they win).
Open the gate and sieze the day, don't be afraid and don't delay. nothing can take us. no one can make us give our rights away! arise and sieze the day!
you bring beauty to the world. don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of that. shine on!
So much to say, so little time, as I am deeply engrossed in setting prisoners free and whoring out my other skills so I can buy my kid a pony. (Prettiest picture = I WIN! Jesus loves me BEST).
Shoot, if you have a D on your forehead, then I have a MMAMDOCMBSR on my forehead, which not only makes unenlightened people avoid me (fuck them!), but probably causes them to punch themselves in the face with a hammer in disgust... but I digress. The people who matter have brains and can see past social boundaries. I can't help that my cockamamie family bore such a perfect soul as myself, and such mysteries in life no longer concern me. =) I see that you, too, are an anomaly, a mutation, and I hope now that you cultivate your rarity! (By the way if you want a laugh, you can email me for the translation later).
Oh Carin Carin Carin (I shake my head in pity). Of COURSE I pity you, in all your pitiful youth, with your pitiful good looks and talent, and that pitiful newly-single lifestyle. Wow, that must be very difficult.
By the way, all of my closest friends are divorced, plotting to maim their husbands, single, homo-questioning messes, shameless trannies, or asexual braniacs. It's the married ones who scare me! (except for the rare cool married ones, I know you're out there, in hiding, downplaying the fact that you are happily married for fear that you might get eaten by bored housewives, I salute you).
Well, I could keep going, but I have FREAKING COOL STUFF to do. It is very hard to have a life as pitiful as ours...
In the meantime, keep doing what you do. You know, that really saaaaaaddddd, pitiful thing called having your own life.
LOVE YOU! XXXOOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOxoxoXoXoXOXOX
X! O!
C -
I have a whole different take on where you are in your life at the moment. Sometimes marriages work, sometimes they don't. I do not feel that you are to be pitied - to be felt sorry for. Even to be ridiculed. No, on the contrary, I applaud you. This "change" was not just about you. You thought of your three lovely daughters and you made the right decision for all of you. You chose the temporarily rough road instead of perhaps a ho-hum, unhappy existence. Yes, this is an adjustment for ya'll, but you did right by everyone.
I am proud of you and give you oh so very much credit. I know how you feel. I learned it first hand myself. And if you ask my now married daughters, they will tell you I did the right thing way back when. And you will know this someday yourself - when you reflect on this time in your life.
As a side note, I must comment on proper language used in our blogs. Personally, I think using inappropriate language doesn't show much respect for you or your readers, many of whom are family and close friends. Perhaps an email would be a better way to convey their personal feelings.
Enjoy your new life, C. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life will smooth out for you, it just takes time. Get to know the real you. And when you wake up each morning, praise God for all your blessings.
Love,
B*
so true for so many no matter what the issue is....divorce or job change or moving or choosing not to have kids or choosing to have kids or {fill in the blank} for shit that people won't understand and/or judge. For shit that is hard to write about but feels better to write about even if it isn't pretty or appealing in a mass kinda way. Write it and hit 'publish post'. You are a wicked strong woman, you know.
Have you read bird by bird? I am reading it right now. I think you'd like it.
love bird by bird and all things anne lamott. she is a kindred spirit.
as are all of you.
peace and much love.
c
D on the forehead....yes, i can relate. i have such a hard time expressing what i feel on my blog. i do feel guarded, i am only making myself a prisoner by doing this.
i am glad you have come back to your voice, here thru your writing!!! you are an encouragement to me. Have a great week....
kindred
I love you! nuff said.
You can say whatever you need to say or say nothing at all. I love you no matter what:)
Some of us need to hear it.. that people who have been raised in a christian home do have an option of getting out of an emotionally harmful situation. Some of us need your hope and guidance and strength.
I will probably have my comment erased...and I don't want to tell more than she wants to, but I loved one telephone conversation when my sweet one told me that, especially when socializing with church folk as a newly divorced woman, she wanted to wear a t shirt that said, "I don't want your husband, bitch!" Yes, the way divorced women are welcomed by married women is much like a scud missle is welcomed by a vulnerable village. When will people realize the death of a marriage is the sad end of both individuals dreams and hopes...it is not the intent to exchange but rather the intent to live free of emotional injury and oppression. The church potluck and bible study is hardly the cruise bar to the newly divorced...it is the hope of being welcomed in the new and still uncomfortable singularity of divorce. 'nuff said.
erase? pshhh.
ahh....to be understood and validated.
i have missed you carin.
i have been checking back and checking back. waiting to see if you'd come back to us. :)
i look forward to your photos and thoughts.
maybe you dont' need to write...maybe just photos to show how you are feeling or experiencing?
i am glad to see that maybe you will blog again....
New post, new post, new post! (I'm trying to start a chant, like at rock concerts, haha) :)
Still checking in to hear from one of my favorite writers. When you have time, I'd love to hear more of you.
From your heart.
Let it be raw.
Let it be real.
We love you bunches.
I have been frequently checking your blog to see if you have updated. Welcome back. I send my thoughts and prayers out to you. If you ever need to escape to New Mexico, let me know and I'll make up the guest bedroom! Love you girly!
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