The golden harvest high has come and gone. And now I am sitting in my apartment, thinking about my life again. I think too much. Week on week off custody is different. For one week, you are all there is…the weight of the world on your shoulders…barely a minute to breathe. Soccer practices, volleyball games, sleepovers, doctor appointments, pharmacy stops, healthy dinners. Money for the movies. And as crazy as it is, I love every minute of it.
And then, an abrupt stop. Another life. And it’s sometimes hard to reconcile the two.
When a bomb blows up in your life, whether it is divorce, a death, a move, a diagnosis, etc., you question everything. You question your faith. You question God. You question the institution of marriage. You question yourself. You question all you’ve ever known. I feel cynical sometimes....towards happy, shiny people. But I don’t want to feel like that. I don't want to be damaged. I don't want to feel displaced. My friend said he sometimes feels like the guy with one arm at the party and he doesn’t want to be the guy with one arm. Neither do I.
While it is just within me to make my life great no matter what and rock out the one arm, I miss the feeling of roots. I miss the sense of family. I miss sitting at the hearth of my old house in my old neighborhood, knowing everyone who drove by. I miss not wondering what I’m going to do for Thanksgiving or Christmas or for the rest of my life, for that matter.
And now I’m laughing. Because this is sounding so mopey. So, I will think about kayaks. Because I’m going to buy them someday. And the day I strap them atop my car en route to the Pictured Rocks of Michigan, tears will roll down my face.
So, amidst all my uncertainty today, I will relish in the fact that I do have one thing figured out.
I will buy kayaks.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
I will buy kayaks.
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40 comments:
Yes, you will buy kayaks, and it will be great! :)
Changes are scary, but you will be okay..no you will be MORE than okay.
Rock that one arm girl, because there are many of us out here that will gladly help you and maybe even teach you to use your feet. :) Have a great day!! - Deanna xoxo
OK, I am picturing the kayak...and the people with one arm...and hoping that each "one arm" is on alternate sides, or that kayak will be spinning...seriously, when two of those people who feel like they are one-armed at a party finally meet, they can applaud loudly. You are the same incredible person, week in and week out. Each backdrop pulls different strengths from you. You don't stop being the mom when the children aren't home, and you don't stop being the creative, edgy diva when the girls are there. The flow will come. See it's shine and not its shadow. Do the most with each week--they fuel the other. There is a Golden Harvest within. Pull up to the table there. Oh, and God IS, and He's in your Kayak...he's the "other arm."
Dad
On the days when your flag may feel bit frayed, hold it high...hold it high. Cuz I know that I'd rather be in a large open field with a bunch of frayed flags blazing high to the heavens then anywhere else...and that's just real life. Don't let anyone make you think different.
I love your honesty about life - there is hard stuff in life, stuff that we don't plan and we do everything we can to try to change it or make it better, but sometimes it's just hard. At the same time, I love that in the midst of the hard stuff, you seek out beauty and the good...thank you for sharing authentically about not only the good, but the hard stuff as well.
I have just sat here and typed-deleted. . . typed-deleted trying to effectively communicate how such posts as these have impacted me on my own journey.
Sometimes there are no words.
So let me just say thank you to this person whom I have never met who writes in a way that inspires me to continue to walk forward even in the midst of troubled times.
I hope you write about that first day with the kayak. . . I will shed tears with you.
Your open honesty is refreshing. And encouraging. You are real. And you help me to accept what I cannot change, and still be strong.
I've felt that way too toward shiny, happy people. I don't wish hardship on others, but I find comfort in knowing that everyone will have their day so to speak. I know that sounds awful, and maybe I am an awful person. It's just that when my white picket fence began to fall, it's the only thing that allowed me to really process. Knowing that it is life, and it's hard for everyone at different times and in different forms. I silently remind myself of that whenever I see those shiny people. Ashamed to say that but it's true.
Carin--
Disclaimer: This is none of my business, none at all. I'm gonna comment anyway.
Not to denigrade Golden Harvest in any way (it definitely looks like my kind of joint), but there's no scarcity of posing going on there, too. There are plenty of one-armed people in total denial about their one-arm status, or that they don't care that they only have one arm. Doesn't matter if it's at the Love Shack or the Louvre.
It's great fun to hang at a place like Golden Harvest (Or Glo's on Capitol Hill or Mecca at the foot of Queen Anne in Seattle), and I have spent many, many hours in such bohemian bliss.
But no matter where I am, I'm looking for the one-armed people who extend their one arm to help someone else. The ones who have found their balance and are strong enough to use what they've got to help someone else, no matter how many arms that other has. That's what I want to be when I grow up, and frankly, I would give one of my arms to be that person, if that's what it took.
My good friend in Casper, Wyoming, has a daughter who spends either Christmas or Thanksgiving in St. Louis with her dad each year. This year, she will be in St. Louis for Thanksgiving. For years now, my friend has signed up at the local mission to help serve the holiday meal on the holiday when her daughter won't be home. She started it as a way to keep herself from going mad with depression, fear and self-loathing, being alone in her house over a holiday. She went just hoping to find a way to kill the time, but she found it was a kick in the pants, such a boost to the spirt, such Joy, that she and her daughter now do it on the holidays she's home, too.
I was living alone in a place with not many friends and too far away from family to visit, so I went with them one year. It was a humbling blast. There was hunger there like I've never known, fed with a generous helping of fabulous church lady home cookin'. Slithery, sweaty hands inside plastic food-serving gloves, but lovely skin after a free facial from the steam rising off the food. Aching feet and a heart swollen by the smiles and tears of gratitude of the people I helped feed.
It took me outside myself. I schlepped into the mission as an aimless sadsack and when I came out, I was Super Woman and I had at least 8 arms. How's that for a party conversation piece?
Carin, you are a lovely human with enough personality and gorgeousness for a baker's dozen.
Don't wait for the appearance of kayaks to facilitate for yourself a change of perspective. Then, of course, tell us all about it, won't you?
Once again, none of my business, I know . . .
Courage!
Susan
,,,i love that you are true to yourself, your feelings and readers,,,thank you
,,,"susan s", love your message,,,
You spoke your truth, it did not seem at all mopey to me. Very touching, honest, and raw.
It is hard to say good bye to things that we love and had meaning in our lives.
Moving on has its more difficult days...
I love this post. That's all. I get it. And I love that you want kayaks and I know that you will call me someday, a week after you get your kayak and you will be raving about the way your arms hurt and the way the sun fell and the way it rained a bit on your maiden voyage and how funny it was to get caught in the rain on that first trip out but that it was awesome in its own way. We'll be kayaking someday. And then maybe we'll sell our kayaks on Craigslist and take up the cello. Because we're a great many things, eh?
Love you.
let it go. let it all go. the fear. the resistance. the urge to control your life. offer it up to the universe.
this is what i am trying to do anyway :)
this poem encapsulates my spirituality and reminds me to wake up. see a new vision. to have faith that everything is happening exactly as it should be. you can handle anything that comes your way. you are handling it.
"Absorbed in this world, you've made it your burden. Rise above this world. There is another vision. All your life you've paid attention to your experiences, but never to your Self. Are you searching for your Soul? Then come out of your prison.
Leave the stream and join the river that flows into the Ocean. It will not lead you astray. Let the beauty you seek be what you do." -Rumi
know what? ______happens!!!unfortunately it happened to me...i know it is very hard to keep going...i too look at happy and shiny people and want to gag!!!
i've learned though as i grow older, they are never as happy and shiny as they would like you to believe...the only ones who see the cracks are usually cynical people like us...look i swear you will see it!!!
things are NEVER what they seem. just sayin...
be happy for you things will get better...i promise time has a way of getting us through..I know you can rock it out...you can have it all again!!
I love your honesty - very, very moving!!
I think I've written "...and now I am laughing" a hundred times because that's exactly how it happens to me - I'll be all mad or sad or depressed and then in a split second I'll see how dramatic I'm being and laugh at myself. But those feelings are real and slowing down just gives you the opportunity to feel all of them, and that's good.
Shiny happy people - I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I pity them their naivete, sometimes I envy their bliss, sometimes I want to roll my eyes or shove them into a canned goods display. Love ya :-)
ah girl - you've never liked change. i think i distinctly remember long ago someone bemoaning "I hate change".
happy and shiny is an illusion, no ones life is perfect, lso rock out having only 1 arm cuz there's always someone with no arms AND no legs who's worse off.
here ya go - get inspired!
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Limits-Inspiration-Ridiculously/dp/0307589730/ref=pd_bxgy_d_text_b
I honestly don't know what bomb exploded in your life, other than mention of divorce, as I haven't followed your story long but I can appreciate what you miss. But, I am not sure I get the happy shiny people comments - were you not that way before your divorce? I imagine I might come off that way to some but I understand how fragile life is and my life is certainly not all roses and sunshine, but I am going to smile and make the best of it because MY life is a gift as is yours and the person next to you, shiny happy or otherwise. Whats the alternative - we all go around snarking and projecting angst? I'm sorry, I am just confused!
the good things
about the lows r
they make the highs
so much higher
u r so not mopey
u r a
wonderful spirit
that feels a lot
whether it be
highs
or lows
but what makes u
special
is that u write
from the heart
and we all know
sometimes r hearts
get broken
and not to miss
ur life with kids
at all times
well that
that makes u
the wonderful mom
that u r
and all of this
will make u
so much more
than just a mom
u r forced
to tap into
other strengths
and use them
for ur betterment
i'd love
to hitch
a ride
on the kayak
with u
one day
and on an
off week
u come see me
in bangladesh
u seem like
one amazing
REAL
woman
xoxo rosa
I cannot imagine the struggle you are going through. I think you're allowed to be mopey on occasion. It's healthy.
And the kayaks? The kayaks WILL happen.
i re-read my comment and i think it sounds harsh and i didnt mean it like that at all.
i was trying to just say to love life to the fullest as best you can (which i think you are) and find your silver lining (cuz there always is one).
I can't imagine the week on, week off thing. The adjustment must take the whole week and then BAM! it changes again.
You're doing a good job. You are right where you should be. You will be okay. (these are all the things I need to hear in times of transition or sadness)
Sending love and courage and comfort.
Cruisin through the world wide web and crashed into this site. I think we're all displaced, to an extent. i heard this on dexter and it really hit a chord with me: "no matter how close two people are, an infinite distance seperates them." this was oddly comforting to me... I think there's a buncha folks walking around feeling alone. Folks who dont look it, seem it, or project it.
Anyway, I think you're cool.
----k.d
You are right, anonymous, I am "by myself with you." Does that make sense? It may not, but accepted, it does not become a barrier to joy. Yes, I am by myself with you and that's ok.
Not sure if you remember me...Kelle's friend from college. I admire your brutal honesty and your drive to seek the good amidst the garbage. In reality, I find that the "damaged" people you speak of are the ones who bring about the greatest change in this world. The ones who raise the most amazing children and who bring a joy to this life that the "undamaged" can't even understand. I know living through the "damage" (and it takes many forms) is not fun...but it's what you allow it to create in you that matters. And you are allowing it to create beauty! INSPIRING!!!
Have you read "What I Know Now" Letters to My Younger Self - Picked it up at our library book sale (don't you just love those sales?!) and all the while I'm reading thinking that your story already has the stuff for a great letter. And you write better than any of these fine women too! I'd love to know what you'd write...
Oh, and Rik- you need to do home visits!
Just sayin.
Been through the week on/off routine. Didn't like it, not one bit. I feel ya.
Oh...I really want kayaks too!
I think that kayaks are an excellent idea. I also think that my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened to me. I have learned so much from their mistakes. It was definitely a gift.
Ah...Taylor K...thank you.
Re-reading a good book. Shattered Dreams, by Larry Crabb.
A quote: Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.
Made me think of you. . . your story.
I loved this post. It was honest & true. Raw & real. In writing, you have to be true to your voice. A voice that may not want to speak above a whisper at times, and that is okay. Give it time. Out of healing comes re-birth. And, within that healing, that time, the emergence of a voice, you break out, are reformed, are reborn to sing louder, stronger & better than ever. Before you know it, you are singing wild n free & at the top of your lungs! And all the while, you are smiling & humming to yourself as you load those kayaks to the roof of the car & head out on the open road towards the ocean, singing with 3 beauties joining in, nurturing & sustaining that voice.
You've got this.
PS Girlfriend...
You do God's work, and you do it well. You simply do not advertise. The disciples didn't. Can it truly be called "God's work" if you do?
I think we all know the answer to that.
g'nite.
love this. it feels good to have something figured out, doesn't it! i'm going to work on something today! thanks for the boost!
loveyou
thought i would stop by your blog to see if you've wrote anything new...the month is almost over and nothing....i love your words. so real-they "hit home" every time. cannot wait to read what you write next. taylor
I keep checking and checking...hoping for a new post! So, thought I would say hello! Hope all is well in your world. Maybe you are just busy researching kayaks to buy! =)
Jill B (Overland Park,KS)
please post. i started reading your blog and LOVE it! maybe you're just too darn happy & content right now. that is my hope.
jen
indy
Oh I so miss your posts too. Life is hard. Your posts are so honest and relatable. Hope you are doing well...
Your blog is among my favorites because it's honest and relateable. I keep checking for a new post! Hope all is well.
I saw this link from your sister's blog for the first time today. You mentioned kayaks and gosh golly I realized you are awesome before I even got a page into your blog (am I sounding stalkerish yet. I hope not...).
I have three kayaks (me and two of my friends - rule 1. always kayak with a buddy, so there was no sense in buying one. I'm not rich, I'm just determined). Rule 2. What is said on the water, stays on the water.
If you and your sis (kiddos too!) are in Virginia Beach then let me know. Kayaking we will do. Dolphins a plenty. We are always looking for more kayaking buddies. One of us are always pregnant, so at certain months a kayak is free 'cause the belly gets too big to paddle.
Plus, we learned that dolphins go nuts if they sense a prego in the water. Funny...
-Charity Mack
It doesn't sound mopey. It sounds hopeful. You got roots all over the land, CJS. One right here ;)
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