we pass the baton.

So much for gung ho blogging.

I often have grand ideas, hearing violins as I get completely caught up in the moment...in feelings...big ideas...and then my alarm clock goes off and reality sets in.

But here I am again...elated at 119 followers.  Do I need to be followed?  Do I need to have an audience?  Am I enough?  These are the too-deep questions I ask myself at 9:53pm on a Tuesday night, in between munching Stacy's pita chips and checking the dog at my feet who deeply loves me.  "Am I wanting an ego life?"  I asked my friend.  Because I don't want to live a life driven by ego.  I want substance and depth.  No, she told me, it's human nature...we're wired to be relational...to connect beyond facebook refreshing. 

Lots of people are retiring at my place of employment - The State of Michigan.  I got teary eyed today...as I watched these really good people pass the baton after many years of state service.  The older I get, the more I see life is just that...a sort of...relay race...handing off the baton.  And when we have the baton, we run like hell, give it all we've got, and then hand off, cheering on our predecessors as we grab the next baton and move on to the new phase.  My friend sent me a text the other day.  She was already having the sads, with her oldest graduating from MSU...and then she went to the doctor...to talk about hormones and stuff.  And while she waited alone, country music crooning love lyrics in the background, a young couple joined her in the waiting room, awaiting their first ultraound. They were happy and eager, while my friend fought back tears.  But, such is life.  A time for everything.  Nothing stays the same.  We grow up.  We get married.  We have babies. We have teen-agers.  We go to work.  We move.  We lose friends...parents...spouses.  And in spite of the rough transitions, I believe it's all good - every stage of life....and with every loss, we gain something else.

My friend Mary closed the retirement party with a toast and this quote: "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded." Emerson

In her memoir, Brenda Ueland said she so often struggles between the desire to be really good and really remarkable.  And I so get that. Not that you can't be both - because I think you can - it's just that some days I want to serve...give...be this silent influence of good.  And then some days I want to...visibly matter...to be really great and have people think I'm great, even though I know being great and valuable doesn't have to include being visible.  Hrmph.  This isn't coming out right.

But I left work so inspired today...to laugh more...to appreciate beauty in simple things...to kneel down when I talk to my seven year old....to find the best in others and leave the world a better place.

I've now eaten too many pita chips and can recite the lyrics to every bon iver song. 

g'nite.