sipping a glass of pinot...wishing I had some cabot seriously sharp cheddar or some aged black diamond to go along with.
finally...
some motivation.
the inescapable drive to write.
I went to church today...I'm not what you would call a "regular attender". I grew up in church...I was submersed in church...I was the daughter of a pastor...the wife of a pastor...the grandaughter of a pastor...the niece of a pastor...the cousin of a pastor...you name it...but as I've said before...when a bomb goes off in your life, you question everything.
But, every once in a great while, I go...and I get frustrated...it doesn't...make sense...doesn't add up...and, I can't help but question everything as I see the masses beside me shaking their heads in agreement.
Tangent.
I'm a perfectionist....if I can't have my apartment perfect in an hour, I do nothing. No 15 minute clean up to prevent it from really getting out of hand.
No.
Nothing.
And so it snowballs into this distrastrous, insurmountable...problem.
The kind where I feel like I have to call in troops to dig me out. Beth tells me this so called "perfectionism" is just an excuse to make myself sound better. I love her. I love that she can say whatever she thinks and know I'll still love her. But, despite this almost accurate assumption, I still think I'm a perfectionist...not that I don't do things to make myself sound better. Because I do. But, honestly, I can get OCD. I know exactly how I want it. Perfect. Which, quite frankly, is completely impossible. And I think I know this...subconsciously...and so I honestly do...nothing...because this ideal can be paralyzing...whether it's my apartment, the kind of mom I want to be, the kind of student, even my theology. You see, part of me knows my expectations are completely ridiculous and says, come on, accept your limitations. And then part of me says anything is possible. Push yourself. Kelly Ripa changes her sheets daily. I just get...distracted. Badly. Exhibit A: I am cleaning the bathroom. Empty beer bottle sits on side of tub. (Cold brew in hot bath with The Sun Magazine is the bomb). I go put empty beer bottle away. I realize I don't have a good system for empty bottles/cans. I ponder this. I wonder...what kind of container should I use? So and so uses cardstock and badass penmanship to label everything and then attaches with twine. Hmmm. Where will I put it? I will put it in coat closet. And so, I open coat closet. Favorite Marmot mitten falls from top shelf. I frantically spend the next hour hunting for missing mitten and determine I need a good system for keeping winter gear together, completely forgetting about system for empty bottles/cans, not to mention, bathroom that is still a mess and wet towel ridden. If you give a mouse a cookie....
End of tangent.
Back to faith.
I still have a lot of questions. It seems the older I get, the more I have. I want to know what I believe...why I believe it....not just regurgitate what I've been taught because it's all I've ever known.
But it was good today.
Alone.
Not knowing anyone.
Yearning for community and at the same time, comforted by the anonymity and the lukewarm cup of dunkin in my hands....and the hymns of my childhood.
Might not have been church that was good.
Might have been me.
Might have been both.
Either way....I am feeling close to something today...god, universe, whatever it might be, regardless of what has been lost in my life...regardless of scientific arguments that might prove otherwise.
Back to my perfectionism.
One of my resolutions for this year is to try and let go...
My apartment will be imperfect.
Churches will be imperfect.
My parents will be imperfect.
My children will be imperfect.
I will be imperfect.
And it is ok.
So...
Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year.
I will post some pics soon.
My tree.
My kids.
My friends.
My blue ribbon award from my Honors Composition class.
Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ. C. S. Lewis
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. Rene Descartes
g'nite.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
she rambles...imperfectly.
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39 comments:
I don't know you so to say "I get you" seems naive. I have no doubt that there is much more to you than what I see on this white page. However, the questions swirling in your head are swirling in mine, too. I wrote about them just today (for tomorrow). I know there aren't answers. . . I just want to say. . . you're not alone in your questions. . .I'm there, too.
Sigh.
you are an anomaly..JUST LIKE ME!!..aren't we grand..we are complicated, interesting and never boring...we could be related...just sayin
I think I love questions more than answers. I think I love undoneness more than completed. I think I love straightening more than straight. I know I love building more than built. Yes, that is a noble goal for a new year. And you had me with "imperfect parents." I breathe a sigh of relished relief. And I love you. G'nite. (Lady, chew nothing but dogfood!)
I also have the "if you give a mouse a cookie, she wants to clean her whole damn house" complex. Totally get you there.
Get you on the church/faith/God thing too. Yep.
Welcome back.
I just got over a giant cry, and soul-shattering anxiety re: the Arizona shooting, particularly the little girl who was shot. Politics, war, environment - that stuff can really wig me out, and that is putting it mildly. Thank goodness for tender, thoughtful, and kind people like you. Maybe not perfect (who is? who cares?) but something much nicer. I aspire to have your faith. Right now I feel so sad about the world that it feels nice to know there are people out there who are choosing to believe in something better. I strive to every day, but on days like today, it is a struggle. Thank you for the inspiration.
hell ya!!!
love every word!!!!
feels like you are typing a strand of my thoughts.
,,,as a native tucsonan, (born and raised in tucson arizona), the past couple of days have been difficult and the question "why?" keeps swirleing in my brain like a tumbleweed does in the tucson desert during a monsoon storm,,,a storm it was on saturday afternoon at the shopping village on the streets of ina and oracle a shopping center all too familiar that my parents visit frequently through the week for groceries at the safeway or a prescription at walgreens,,,and when i received the daunting text message on my phone as i was doing business in DC, i panicked that my parents might be among the many at the scene,,,were they hurt, did they escape without incident? these questions paralized my rational thinking,,,then i stopped, said a prayer to a god that i'm not sure exists but i asked "her" anyways to be all ears because i had a few things to say and i needed her to listen,,,i was born into a catholic family and baptized catholic but so much of the catholic religion i question and this subject is a whole other issue that i could write about for hours,,,i'm a believer that if there is a god she is o.k. with you praying from your own backyard, bedroom, the mountains, or while kayaking down the potomac, she doesn't care that you join an organized based religion that meets weekly in a designated building,,,caryn it helped to read your words today and confirmed that my mind was not the only mind that was full of content and questions,,,the day i announced to my parents that i knew they were not "perfect" parents/people they "rejoiced and thanked" me,,,be well!,,,
So happy to read your post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us followers :o)
You have such a gift with words. I find myself thinking about what you said and then coming back to reread. Thanks for writing.
And coming from someone who has also doubted...I know you will find your peace with God. Keep searching.
the beauty of blogging comes from connecting.
you are beautiful and we have connected...
welcome back!
I love cabot seriously sharp cheddar! And I can only find it at our grocery store every now and then.
I too have the "if you give a mouse a cookie, she wants to clean her whole house" complex.
I always look forward to your posts. So very real.
Your posts never disappoint. I always come away from them thinking about something...more. You are a powerful writer, Carin! No one is perfect, no one has the "perfect" marriage, the "perfect" husband, the "perfect" kids, the "perfect" life. If they say they do, they are not being honest. :) It's okay to not be perfect! I know I am not....and that is okay. Hugs to you!
I think there are enough horribly unjust things happening in the world to have everyone question the existence of a creation of our imagination and need of purpose. Not to mention all the scientific evidence...I hope the world will move in that direction, albeit slooooooowly, and that more people would focus on science and finding answers that way.
I enjoy your blog. xx
Kelly Ripa *says* she changes her sheets daily.
yep, just like she does her laundry!
ummm...kelly ripa doesn't change sheets. period. are you kidding me? kelly ripa also has a bajillion dollars and everyone does her everything. i know rich people. lots of them...and although they have different kinds of stresses, i can tell you one thing, they aren't doing laundry, making grocery lists, running kids to and from places (seriously know plenty that hire nanny/drivers for that crap) or cleaning their houses, let alone trying to juggle going to school and working full time jobs.
you rock.
period.
and that's all there is to it.
I really want to talk with you about the whole paralysis thing, because that is exactly me....
this. yes. just yes. thank you.
Can soooo relate. If it is too much to clean I don't clean and then it gets OUT OF CONTROL. However I have this crazy need to make everything perfect and if it can't be perfect I don't even want to try.
ok...im the same way.
and yeah, kelly ripa *pays* someone to change her sheets daily. I so dont want to believe that she does that. -- k.d
Don't you just love The Sun magazine? Did you ever have anything published in it? I recently sent in an essay for Readers Write. We will see what happens.
I loved your post. Took a long time for me to separate religion from God. Feeling close to God is so good, whatever your understanding of God is to you.
Feeling good is awesome.
Happy New year to You!
oh honey welcome back. you have been missed and I do so enjoy your writings....opps don't want to forget, congrats on the honors competition, I'm not surprised....at all!
Between the words and the music i ended this post in tears. Tears because I get you. I am there. I am (as you put so well)"Alone. Not knowing anyone. Yearning for community and at the same time, comforted..." Thank you for posting. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. That post sank deep within me to the depths of my heart. To the root of my soul. It was what I so needed tonight
Carin, .... sooooo get the all or nothing cleaning thing... it drives me nuts, but I can't help it... I have mail in a collapsing pyramid on my beautiful glass kitchen table... it has been there for literally a year added and added too. And.. I've felt really awful about it for the same amount of time... yet I don't do anything bc if I start it I want to finish it and make it perfect and make sure there is NOT a shred of unwanted paper left and I want to create the most exquisite centerpiece and and and... I beat myself up for this...Friends walk in my apt and just expect this huge dusty falling amount of mail sitting on my kitchen table... I'm just using this one part of it as an example, but I'm like that with sooo much... What gives?
I also get you on the faith thing... I want to know what I believe to... it's funny how this becomes more and more important as I get older, yet I create more questions than answers...
Thank you for writing this post. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one struggling with these things... if there is just something wrong with me that is not wrong with everyone else...and when you write things that are swirling in my head too, it makes me feel better...
You Rock!
Thankyou,
Val-Marie
P.S. I tried to lessen my annoying overuse of "..." but I couldn't... lol
Thanks for stopping by my blog today.
I sent in my story to The Sun in August and it is for the March issue. I haven't heard anything yet either.
Fingers crossed for both of us!
flylady.net
She changed my life. As far as cleaning goes.
I so relate to so much of this. Just keep writing!
I keep typing and hitting the backspace key. I am struggling to articulate what it is that I would like to say. Your entry today has resonated with my soul. And looking at the comments it seems as though there are a lot of people out there who are searching for a faith that works. Not just swallowing something whole but chewing slowly and working it all out.
Anyhow, I am still chewing madly on many issues of faith. My heart is still wounded and raw. But something that has pushed me a bit forward has been reading a book called "No Perfect People Allowed" by John Burke.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. x
she rambles - infrequently
update - i miss u
Yes, ramble and ramble near us. An imperfect audience awaits.
She sketches...imperfectly...and sends them to her long lost friend... :)
another great post :)
,,,allow your perfectly "imperfect" ramblings to land on our ears,,,we are NOT judges of your ramblings rather the lucky recipients who crave your gift to ramble,,,be well!,,,
Love this, Carin. I have read it and read it and read it, again. I so get it! Be blessed.
Christianity was never meant to be a religion. It was meant to be a way of life. This man, Christ, amazing he is and always will be. He is the perfect example of how to live. The blue print for man from God. Yes, we all fall short of his perfection, but we also get to redeem ourselves and try again.
Keep your eye on God, man will disappoint you.
Loving this. I struggle with Christian theology but want to raise my children in church. I like being there, and am fortunate that I go to a church that allows me to criticize Christian theology but love the ideals around it. I agree with Rik, the questions in life are as good. When I was in my 20s, I was living in Moscow, Russia and not very sure of where my life was going. My dad sent me a card, "some people get answers; some get questions. Maybe in God's pure light, the journeymen for question are most blessed."
I grew up going to church, listening to it all not questioning. I married the youth pastor, and then realised I'd made a mistake, my husband wanted to me to be something or someone I wasn't. Painfully I chose to leave rather than be unhappy. I guess I was questioning everything, and I felt the breakdown of my marriage was a public event in my church. The separation became entwined with my leaving church. (He did tell me I wasn't allowed to come back as it would be too hard for him!) I still don't know where I am yet with church and God. My parents and some of siblings still go to that same church. My ex-husband has long since gone.
But still I haven't gone back. Now I'm rambling. Thanks for sharing, and letting me think and type!
Great post. Keep questioning; keep searching... God gave us our brains for a reason.
And for the record... Kelly Ripa? Really? The one who lives on a half celery stalk and a spoonful of strawberry yogurt per day? (i.e.: who CARES how often her sheets get changed ...?!) :-)
I'm just sayin'...
I long ago realized with 2 kids, and 2 dogs, just picking up "tumbleweeds" of fur was about the best I was going to do as far as having a clean house. And that's just fine.... for this "chapter" in my life.
Those commenting on Kelly Ripa claiming to do trivial things like changing her sheets. Sure she does. What B.S. Reminds me a lot of another Kelle. Also an egomaniac who is full of it!
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