Mumford, T-Pins, and Coffee Cream.

Lost in thought listening to Mumford…

They’ve got good lyrics.  They seem like…feelers.  Deep.  Introspective and philosophical.  Like I want to have a beer with them.  Like they’ve got some substance.  I like substance.  When I was on Match (gasp), I told potential suitors (whatEV) that if their screen name was anything reminiscent of 2hot4u, then they probably were.  I would not argue.  And, if they were shirtless in their profile picture, not to bother.  (So then I got all these "winks" from these large, large 55 year old men with starter jackets and double bar transition glasses...ok, so substance with a little swag).

Needless to say, I’m not on Match anymore.  So, no looking for my profile.   After a while, I felt, I don’t know…exposed.  Not that people don't find success on there, as I'm sure they do.  And, kudos to them.  I just wasn't one of them.  

Back to last week.  It was better.  Karen G at work said I must follow up on the last post and not leave people hanging.  Karen G is a rock.  My voice of reason.  She has a chair in her office dedicated to me and my problems.  

Back to introspective and philosophical.  We waxed a bit last night, work pals and I, during happy hour.  As the group diminished, conversation turned to God and religion, as it often does.  It was good.  I liked.

Anyway.  The week was just better.  Some stuff happened that gave me hope.  Light at the end of the tunnel.  Possibilities in my work life.  Bonding moments with my girls.  Reassurance from friends.  Reassurance from the blog world. It felt almost supernatural.  Which was weird, because the week before, I was literally in The Sat (my 95 navy Saturn I intend to blog about soon, including some fancy edits of the T pins that are holding up the car's "upholstery" above our heads.  The girls say it's like our car has curtains) saying stuff like, “God?  Mary?  Universe?  Somebody?  I could use some help right now. 

That was last week.  This week is good, too.  Went to Toastmasters today.  I spoke last week…Truth vs. Comfort, based on a C.S. Lewis quote.  I didn't prepare as much as I hoped.  And then got comments like, “Amazing preparation."  “Great order.”  Ha.  Imagine what it would be like if I didn't wait until the last minute.  Then again, my brain doesn't often work until the last minute.  It's not fun unless it's at the last minute.  There's no challenge.  No magic.  I have hyper focus in the last minute.  The stars align.  I can do anything. I’ve been leading meetings lately which is good for me.  Great practice.   I find that when my back is up against the wall, with nothing or no one to fall back on, I have no choice but to come through.  Deliver.  I'm convinced growth lies in scary situations.  I want to grow.  I don't want to get to the end of my life and wish I would have been the person I knew I could have been.  And, I figure, I really have nothing to lose.  No, really.  I don't.  My circumstances (like The Sat, for instance) are such that I can't worry about what people think.  I just can't.  It's almost like being naked.  Not that I don't frantically run out and buy T-pins and spray adhesive for the sagging car upholstery before a date, but still...

My friend, Carrie, who has a similar divorce story, said once, "You know, losing everything is so freeing.  You're not afraid anymore."  I agree.  It's like you're forced to define yourself strictly by who you are.  Reminds me of Steve Jobs and how, when he learned he was dying, he didn't care anymore.  He was already naked, had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  Also reminds me of one of the best movies ever, infinity and beyond, Bridesmaids.  I'm trying to think of the relevance of the comparison...it isn't coming to me. Sigh.  Still...a great movie.

Thanks to recent ADHD meds, I just finished a book.  Dry, by Augusten Burroughs.  Loved.  It was honest and raw.  He is a kindred spirit, indeed.

I'm feeling happy.  I have half and half in my fridge for coffee along with a bundle of wood.  Laughing.  That sounded so...Boxcar Children.  I'm envisioning early morning coffee and a fire.  And, then an afternoon hike at Lake Lansing North.  Or maybe a solo kayak ride down the Grand River.  I hear it's supposed to be 60 degrees...

G'nite.

“We don’t get a chance to do that many things, and every one should be really excellent. Because this is our life. Life is brief, and then you die, you know? And we’ve all chosen to do this with our lives. So it better be damn good. It better be worth it.” Steve Jobs

 “Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” Steve Jobs