yes, I have words.

 from a reader:

"The reason I decided to comment is because I feel as though there are a lot of marriages that look just like yours but have fallen apart.  And being that this seems to be more common now than staying married, and you are now on the other side of it, do you have any words as to why you think this seems to be happening more and more?  Especially in people who’ve come from Christian backgrounds as yours was?"

Yes, I have words.  But I hesitate.  I'm reluctant as to how much to elaborate on something as touchy as my religious past (and present).  But, 26, you have asked, you are curious; so, elaborate I will, doing my best to be sensitive.  

I guess I should start out by saying that all this is just that…

my words.

my opinions. 

my experience. 

And, I realize that my personal experience is a small sample from which to discern truth.  So, I'm not saying that what follows here is truth...just my opinions.

You must also know that my experience was a bit on the extreme side.  Ok, it was a lot on the extreme side.  But, I realize many have had positive experiences…so, my intent is not at all to negate those experiences, but just answer your question.

The first thing that comes to my mind in my search for words is a quote by Marie Wilson that says,  

“You can’t be what you can’t see.” 

Growing up, I didn’t see a lot of powerful women.  Powerful men, however, were plenty.  My dad was a pastor.  Both of my grandfathers were pastors.  Almost all of my uncles were pastors.  My mom, who wasn’t far from finishing her Bachelors, quit college to help my dad through seminary, as did other women in my family.  It was just what they did.  A woman's place was in the home.  (another disclaimer: I'm not a man hater. Oh, and hail to the stay-at-home mom).  for more inspiration, click here.

And, then there was my nature.  As a child, I was naturally shy, naturally meek, both of which were looked upon pretty favorably by The Church.  Meekness is, after all, a fruit of the spirit. So, nurture this nature with submissive role models, a little Proverbs 31, and then throw in some fruits of the spirit, and you have some decent potential for dysfunction. 

Then there’s the whole idea of purity.  

Ok, now I feel like immediately disclaiming this with a million explanations. I’ll refrain from elaborating too much here, but I will say that there is such pressure on (Christian) kids to not do this and not do that, and if you do or don’t do this, you’re doomed to hell (again…my experience).  In my church, even dating solicited shame.  (And, shame is a whole 'nuther story)  Saving yourself before marriage became the highest act of nobility - never mind that you're not compatible or too young or that your marriage is unhealthy - you were a virgin when you married! Again - I'm not saying that I think this isn't noble - I'm just saying that this was emphasized more than other advice more worthy of emphasis - like, date other people.  Get your degree.  Learn to sail your own ship first.  

And, then the idea of this nebulous will of God guiding your life.  

If you start to have feelings for someone after you've "sought God's will for your life" it’s easy to assume this person is part of the will of God - in fact, this person may have actually been sent by God.  And, of course, God trumped all.  Including academia.  Including thinking logically.  So, I think it was (is) easy for young Christians to marry for sex.  And, easy to marry because you thought it was God's will for your life. Ugh.  I'm not here to say that your wonderful significant other was not sent to you by God...just saying that I've seen people assume this without the addition of rational thinking. 

I could go on, 26, but I'll stop there (I think I hear guns being loaded).  I set out to answer your question thinking that I’d perhaps answer some of my own.  I thought it’d be this….ok, this happened because of A, B, and C, so if you do D, E, and F, it won’t happen to you.  Wah-lah.  Like a three bullet-ed sermon wrapped up nicely at the end.  But, life is never that simple.  Perhaps in my search for answers, I'm just trying to control the future to heal wounds of the past...or trying to formulize a “right way” in order to keep my daughters from getting hurt…because, I think as human beings, there’s a part of us that wants that formula - as though it gives us some sort of a guarantee or security.

So…while there is no formula, I do think that beliefs based solely in tradition and what we’ve been taught need to be questioned.  “A belief is a lever that, once pulled, moves almost everything else in a person’s life…your beliefs define your vision of the world; they dictate your behavior; they determine your emotional responses to other human beings.” (Sam Harris) If, after questioning and reasoning, you arrive back at your same beliefs, so be it.  At least you’ve given them thought.  At least they’ve become yours.  

And, there was good to be gleaned from my religious past; but, there was also, in my opinion, some bad thinking – bad thinking that narrowly defined my vision of the world – bad thinking that dictated my behavior, and so on.  It was like an outdated map, getting me everywhere, but where I wanted to go.  Good thinking, on the other hand, can spare us from confusion, pain, and bad decisions.  

I’m afraid I’ve just opened a can of worms.  
and, stayed up too late (clearly not good thinking)
and likely, contradicted myself somewhere in here.

"Very well, then I contradict myself."  Walt Whitman

g'nite.