After healing and adjustment, there is much about living alone that I've come to enjoy.
Like, right now.
Candles, low lights, and Thievery Corporation on Pandora playing loudly from the Mac, all uninterrupted by fighting, complaints of hunger, lost belts, and no toilet paper.
The music is trancelike...I feel like that girl. Cosmopolitan. Like her. Living in a Scandinavian country with a short haircut and minimalist furniture.
But, like anything, there is a flip.
Amidst the happy hours of heels, popped collars, and firm handshakes, amidst the clanking glasses as smiling faces yell, "cheers!", reality bites.
A text from daughter saying, "I miss you."
At an appointment with attractive psychologist, he asks why my hands are orange.
My face turns red, complimenting my orange palms. "Sunless tanner."
A text from daughter saying, "I miss you."
At an appointment with attractive psychologist, he asks why my hands are orange.
My face turns red, complimenting my orange palms. "Sunless tanner."
In moment of boredom, I jump on Match to see shirtless 39 year old, "hotloveready", and a winning caption of, "Lookin' fo someone ta hang whit."
A reader asked if I was as hard on myself as I seem, and if so, why?
Yes, I am hard on myself. I can think of a million reasons why, but to come up with something truly definitive and conclusive...tough.
Insecurity? Possibly.
Martyrdom? I hope not.
I do know I want to grow.
I want to be more.
But, so do a lot of people.
And, lots of people are hard on themselves.
And, lots of people are hard on themselves.
Finding the balance between being enough and striving for more is difficult.
At what point do we just accept our dysfunction and make the best of it and at what point do we fight like hell to overcome and be more?
Another reader, "with the confidence of a mouse", asked what I might tell my 24 year old self. And, I've been thinking...
(btw, I'm always afraid these anonymous commenters are people I know)
First of all, 24 (if you're real), you have more confidence than you think you have. You have more than a mouse if you've acknowledged your lack...if you've asked. You're no poser. You're searching. Keep searching. Keep asking. This I am today, that I will be tomorrow. And, that, is how you will be what you want tomorrow...if you acknowledge and accept who you are today. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone. While I feel like I've grown and am more comfortable in my skin, I don't know that anyone ever really...arrives and is like, yeah, I found it. I'm super badass confident now. Oh, there are days when I might feel like that. But, two days later I don't. It's just holding your head high and taking leaps in spite of how you feel. It's knowing despite all the stuff on the outside, we're all the same on the inside. Be 24. Do everything 24 year olds do. Move. Do. Leap. Try. Make mistakes. Reinvent. I've learned more from bravery than from shrinking. As much as you yearn for what lies ahead, try not to. It will come soon enough. No one is thinking about you or caring what you're doing like you think they might be. If at all possible, do and be what you want, with less worry of...cool.
I had a youth pastor who said something like this...
You grow up always wishing for the next stage. You can't wait to turn thirteen and be a teenager. When you're a teenager, you can't wait until you can get your license and drive. When you get your license, you can't wait to be 18 and a real adult. When you're 18, you can't wait until you're 21 and can drink legally (he actually left that part out...conservative church...drinking was taboo at any age). When you're 21, you can't wait until you're married. When you're married, you can't wait until you have a baby. When you have a baby, you can't wait until they can walk. When they can walk...
And, then, before you know it, you're looking back on all that. Before you know it, you could be divorced with orange palms, perusing hotloveready on match.
Morale of the story:
Enjoy today.
Enjoy today.
14 comments:
Love this post but then again I love most of them. This one really struck a chord though. Thanks, it's just what I needed this morning. You enjoy today as well!
Great advice to 24, and betch...you should know the first rule of self tanning is washing the hands after...you got serious white girl problems. As do I. I noticed a severe streak down my calf yesterday. Oh well. The real sun is coming soon. On many levels. Love you.
I Agree, who isnt hard on themselves? I know I am. I think it's human nature. Love your writing :)
There is something very thereputic for me when I durn my monthly calendar at the beginning of each new month.
May's quote..."The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment. There always is the potential to create an enviornment of blame - or one which is conducive to loving kindness" Pema Chodron
ENJOY TODAY!!
Thanks for this message Carin! In 2 months I turn 23 and already looking forward to the stages of 'finding that perfect someone, settling down getting married and having babies'. Although I really try to celebrate each day, I often need the remind to just stop and enjoy it.
thank you. you caught me on one of my downward swings.
{i've learned more from bravery than from shrinking}
love that.
here's to being real ;)
Love, love, love, this post!
How is the sunless tanner working? I vowed no more fake bake and my friend talked me into tanning towels. I am afraid of being orange! She swears they won't do that. She is Italian with dark skin. I am chicken breast, white meat!
Love the fact you are embracing your singleness! So proud of you!
No one else writes like you Carin, and that is excellent.
I too have spent far too much of my life hoping for tomorrow. I'm nearly in the present. Nearly.
What is most shocking is that I have regular nightmares about how I was stuck in the past, and I haven't done what I need to do to get out of my (1st) marriage. I'm reliving the feelings and emotions of that, and I wake up with a start and feeling sick in my stomach. It takes me a while to work it out, that I was only dreaming.
I wish that someone had told me this at 24 [or sooner.] and that I would have listened and understood. at 27, I'm still working on it, but I'm getting closer.
don't waste your past by spending today wishing for tomorrow. enjoy today. because what you plan for your future now is likely to be neither what you will get nor what you will want 3,5,10 years from now.
you can't control that, but you can control today. be you, do what you love, surround yourself with what makes you happy. ENJOY TODAY.
yes.
Your writing style is so unique and you are one of my very favorite writers.
I do think we are all hard on ourselves when wanting to grow. At the end of each day, I go to bed thinking about what I did right, what I could have handled differently. All part of growing.
Jill B (Overland Park, KS)
Will you marry me?
Kidding!
Seriously though, I really needed this. I'm saying a lot more lately that I wish Hannah was 12 or 13 already so she could babysit Livie and we could go to dinner or a movie without getting a sitter. I need to quit rushing both of my girls' childhoods because you're right. They'll be grown and gone soon and we'll be sitting at dinner talking about when they were babies and that we miss them.
PS the captcha i have to type to publish this says "earlint". I can't make this shit up.
Thanks for the answer! I do agree a lot of people are hard on themselves, I just hope at the end of the day that you can see you do a pretty rad job already, even if you do want to do and be more!
For me it's about knowing that I am already good, while still wanting to be better.
Like always, loved this post - you speak to a great many people with your words.
Orange palm high five?
"hotloveready" and "orange palms", those are lyrics to the next Bieber single fo' sure! :) this is a great post, sums up exactly how I've been feeling this week.....love your writing!
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