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| breakfast remnants and deep thoughts from sunny, Saturday morning |
I've been so inspired lately by this
desperate english teacher...whose words and photos evoke the same magical feelings I felt as a teenager as I got lost in the world of Anne Shirley...and the gray, dreary autumn evenings in her little upstairs room at Kingsport Ladies College where she sipped tea and put pen to paper as willow branches swayed outside her window. Ms. Banks writes with such abandon...which is how I like to write, but struggle to do so. I go to write and when pain wants to come out, I'm afraid of looking like an over-sharer or like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm ashamed to say, surprise surprise, that my lack of writing has less to do with time and more self-doubt. One minute I'll reread something I've written and think it's good and before I know it, I'm waking at 3am wanting to delete my blog. Because like
Ira Glass says, I like to think I have good taste and I want it to be really good, even though I know no one really cares but me...
"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people." Andre Dubus
Here's another good quote I read recently,
"Vera said, 'Why do you feel you have to turn everything into a story?’ So, I told her why: Because if I tell the story I control the version. Because if I tell the story, I can make you laugh, and I would rather have you laugh at me than feel sorry for me. Because if I tell the story, it doesn’t hurt as much. Because if I tell the story, I can get on with it.” Nora Ephron, Heartburn
When I'm writing, I
do feel like it gives me some sense of control. And, I
would rather someone laugh than feel sorry for me - like the speech on
The Sat. And, yes, when I'm recording stuff, it does help my obsessive brain release it and let go.
After all that, you're probably waiting for me to delve into some sob story I've been dying to tell. But, there isn't one. Just been thinking about this and now I can get on with it.
Or, perhaps delete it at 3am.
8 comments:
whether you are sure of writing it or not, I sure enjoy reading when you write [and don't delete at 3am] :)
and now, off to visit your friend's blog...
imagine my absolute surprise upon falling in love with your photographs and then discovering that you've plugged me in your blog THANKS FOR THE BLOG LOVE MISS! i'm thrilled to have the pleasure of reading your thoughts - your words. don't ever think of deleting xx
I love the light in these photos, I so want to take photos like this.
Oh Carin, I hear you. This last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me, and I don't really write about it on my blog, I keep it clean if you like, full of happy hut photos, cooking and gardens.
But in my head I draft posts. Maybe my writing isn't that great, but I do need to let some of the sadness, fear and guilt go.
Yesterday we found out my mother has uterine cancer. Whilst the testing, scans and finally a biopsy had taken place over months, we were hoping that it wouldn't be the case. Apparently it's been caught early, that it's very treatable (with a hysterectomy!) - but hey it's still cancer. She took it well (and has a very strong faith in God) my Dad though was pretty cut up about it, it broke my heart to hear him sobbing over the phone as he tried to tell me.
But I don't know how to write that on my blog. I'm scared of sounding pathetic and wanting attention. I just want to share with my friends, albeit them online ones. I find myself exposing more about myself, my feelings and worries, in comments on others blogs, triggered by others writing.
Keep writing and not deleting Carin.
I completely get this, Carin. I won't go into detail, but I too, have been feeling this. What belongs on the blog and what should I tuck away for only my eyes? I want to write about it but I'm scared. . .
For what it's worth. . . I'd hate it if you deleted.
I would hate you too so don't.
I am the same way. I hardly post what's really going on because besides a handful of people, most would probably read it as they read all my posts...thinking oh ok and then hm, what's for dinner. The thing is that I always THINK that but when I DO get deep I get a good response. So would you. Don't be afraid. I love your blog.
Don't delete! You make me feel not so along with all the divorced mom stuff, etc. And not in a "let's feel sorry for ourselves" kind of way. -Karen
I miss your posts when you don't blog. I think you are a great writer and so very creative.
So please don't delete! I am always excited when I see a new post from you.
You are inspiring, it is a must that you write! :-)
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