on sharing.

So, I am obviously not the only woman who is torn between "over-sharing" and deleting an entire blog all together.  After thinking about it, after trying to break it down, I think I worry more about being called an over-sharer and that feeling of being looked down upon, than actually being an over-sharer.

Because so much of the stuff I like to read is open and raw - like Sylvia Plath's journals. I find myself getting lost in her words, feeling her feelings, thinking her thoughts, and all of a sudden, despite her death, despite having lived in another decade, it is as though she is alive and we are friends.  I close the book feeling understood and feeling like perhaps all my disturbing thoughts and feelings really aren't all that disturbing anymore.  I feel normal.  Her honesty and vulnerability were a gift.

And I, too, want to give.

For me, writing helps me not feel alone and helps me feel brave. Even if no one is reading, I still feel better writing - like scrawling my name in the dark with a sparkler.  It's a way of taking control of that which I don't have control over. I can poke fun at myself and tell you what my issues are before anyone else has a chance.  And, then when someone does, it doesn't feel so bad, because by writing about it first, it's as though I've given you permission. It's a way of feeling listened to - and, even if it's just imagined listening, it's better than none at all.  Writing is freeing.  It's paying attention.  It is giving a sense of permanence to this life that feels so impermanent. It is doing and not just thinking as I watch letters and words fill my screen, whether I like the looks of them or not.  It's telling my fear, procrastination, and perfectionism you will not win.  It's a way of keeping the little girl alive as I light candles, prepare hot tea, and pretend that I am...a writer.

And then after all that - after the bravery, after the sharing, I will have written. And, then I am happier.  And, what is so bad about that?

I guess when it comes down to it, I ask myself if sharing is going to help me or hurt me?  Is it going to help others or hurt others?  More often than not, the answer is help.

And so, I share.

(this post inspired by Carey King from Bold Bird)