Vulnerability = Community = Peace = Life.

I had a good day today. In fact, I've had a good week so far.

Last week was kinda...crappy.

Like Thursday.

I was shooting the Green Chemistry Conference all day in Ann Arbor. The flash on my camera was broken and the lighting was horrible. I was pushing buttons and changing settings left and right. Automatic. Manual. The director of the DEQ, who apparently knows me by name, was there. "Hey, Carin!" he said, with a big smile, "Ya gettin' some good shots?"

Sigh.

The governor was there.
Governor.
Of Michigan.

Along with press people with cameras and lenses much fancier than mine.
And, they were young.
Male.
Twentyish.
Hottish.

I can just hear them laughing on their way back to the newsroom.  "Did you hear the shutter speed on that poor girl's camera?!" "Dude! She didn't know what the F she was doing!" Followed by...raucous laughter. And, then all these award recipients were coming up to me with big smiles and business cards, asking me to send them the pictures I took of them with the governor. Damn, I kept thinking. Damn.  Nevertheless, I smiled.  And, tried to act like a badass.

During an off-duty breakout session, I found an empty room and called my mom in tears. And, then I rattled on about the rest of my life - which, quite frankly, feels anything but a dream, unless it's one where I'm running like hell and not moving.  And, she listened. Like she always does. Because she's a badass mom who never closes her eyes to my pain, even though I know it causes her the same.

Ok, here is the point in my post where I reread. And, then I delete. Because I worry someone is going to think I'm a victim or think that I perpetuate my circumstances.  Or, I'm afraid of rereading the next day and feeling, well...dumb. But, so often, I wish I'd blogged more throughout the last two years - just to look back and see how far I've come.  It would have been therapeutic. And then, of course, to help people. There's got to be another single mom out there with no money, shitty car, and not a lot of support who is up at midnight in tears googling single mom blogs - anything - just to feel like she's normal. Not alone. And not the cause of her circumstances. (Or maybe you're married...or without kids...fill in the blank...)

Because, let's face it.
Misery. Loves. Company.
No, I'm not miserable.
But, sometimes...life isn't dreamlike. Yes, we get back up. We brush ourselves off. We smile. But, what helps me through the crap is company.
Community.
Knowing...I'm not alone.

Scott Peck said, “There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.”

I'm confident my circumstances will change.  But, in the meantime, there are tough times.  I will keep smiling.  I will bust A to get ahead.  But, the beauty lies in knowing I am not alone, even though a lot of times, I feel like it.

So, here's to community.  Vulnerability.  Peace.  And, ultimately, this badass life.

Cheers.   

More about this week later...