truth

Despite the aforementioned breakdown, I had a good day. had to get it out of my system. complain. gripe. cry. yell. feel. I recently had someone imply that God might not be in my life because I asked where he was. yet, I think questioning only endears us to God. that is what he wants from us...not robotic obedience, but a relationship, however raw and messy it may be. and like any relationship, there is fighting, because we fight for what we love.

spent lunch hour at my favorite spot, schuller's books. wrote down these thoughts..."I've learned that there's something to being truthful...the truth is at every piece of creativity...whether it's depair, hope, or ambition. isn't that what all real art is, truth? truth is beauty." (bono)

and speaking of art, the above masterpiece is a recent creation of my lovely daughter, savannah joy, whose creativity I cannot help but celebrate.

finally, thank you for all the loving comments and emails regarding said breakdown. I am touched.

p.s. this post is dedicated to my mom who gleefully called me at work to tell of her weekend adventure...going down multiple water slides, each one bigger and scarier than the previous, or so she said. I love her.

glimpses

of the beauty in my day....

having a moment when this song came on this morning
the nice man who let me in on the road
the return of whitney
tenderhearted daughters who love me so much
an empty couch at Schuller's Books
the fire turned on at Schuller's Books
devouring the words of Anne Lamott
the patient mom and her down syndrome daughter
the pretty caramel apples at Caruso's
barb working it on the runway
this simple post
an email with words I needed to hear
hearing this song AGAIN tonight (another moment)
saying farewell to mom hair
laughing with my old boss

"Oh, my soul overflows
oh, what love, oh what love
oh, my soul
fills hope
perfect love that never lets go"

g'morning

"we come with beautiful secrets
we come with purposes written on our hearts
written on our souls
we come to every new morning
with possibilities only we can hold..."
Sara Groves

beds are made.
lunches prepared.
getting ready to drop babies off at school
head to work.
listening to this song as I go out the door
I will look for beauty in this day
create it.
add to it.

have a great day.
(glimpses soon to follow)

I dream of...walking barefoot through the grass...horseback riding with sydney...driving a mazda....writing a book...going to NYC...learning to play tennis...taking savannah to savannah...going to the kentucky derby wearing a fancy hat...having lunch with ellen degeneres...taking Somer to meet tracy turnblad...perusing parisian flea markets with a cappuccino in hand...drooling over decorating magazines with my sister while nibbling on bagels from dunkin...having a

wine and cheese party in a new house...

dancing in a swanky chicago restaurant with my husband...

an ordinary day in our living room...

we fold laundry.

we sip coffee.

we laugh.

we watch you've got mail.

we cheer for the tigers.

we take sunday naps.

we eat nachos.

we finish homework.

we watch the seasons change.

we live.

my morning

It's a lazy morning here...grandpa gates pancakes, bacon, and casi cielo in the french press. For those whose brows rose in confusion at the mention of grandpa gates pancakes, let me elaborate...the ingredients of these rather thin, salty delicacies include: buttermilk, baking soda, salt, and flour. They're best when they stay on the griddle long enough for the edges to become crispy. I put lots of butter on mine, followed by raspberry jam and finally, powdered sugar. Once they are prepared as I like them, I roll them and eat them by hand. Apparently, the recipe dates back to my great grandpa gates, my dad's mom's dad...But breakfast is finished now and the dishwasher loaded. I did delay a bit, however, as there's nothing quite like a slow Saturday morning lingering in jammies while sitting at the table amongst empty plates, sipping coffee, relishing in the notion of having nothing to do. Now, the girls are playing with moon sand, and I'm washing sheets in between blogging and more coffee sipping. I especially enjoyed reading this post this morning on a favorite blog of mine. Enjoy your Saturday.

front doors

make me happy as they beckon

come...sit...stay...linger

I want to peek inside

catch a glimpse of living

during moonlit walks

I go slow

enjoying the glow of cozy lamps from afar

as I imagine simple happenings...

the smell of coffee brewing

the purr of the dishwasher

as evening routines

find their place in the day

reminding me of

my little blogging community

sweet windows into lives

as they beckon

come...sit...stay...linger

photos compliments of google images

lost in language

I'm anxious tonight. Restless. Feeling inexplicably inspired, yet inept, as I seek to delightfully discover some satisfying sort of creative catharsis...browsing poetic, pictorial blogs in search of that trigger that will produce, poignantly perhaps, just the right literary lingo I'm longingly looking for. Wanting to write, reread and repeat until I enjoy the rhapsodic rythym of well written, worthwhile words. Something eloquent, I hope. Engagingly entertaining; full of magical, musical metaphors making me mirror mighty masters of cleverly crafted compositions. Still...nothing.

And yet I write.

"...do not wait for an idea. Start writing something and the ideas will come. You have to turn the faucet on before the water starts to flow." --- Louis L’Amour.

Blank.

Just a bunch of entangled, elaborate ideas I cannot seem to appropriately articulate. My mind a miscellaneous, meandering monologue muddled with chaotic and cluttered confusion. A labyrinthine, lava lamp leaving me lost in language...

alone

Earlier this week, my wonderful husband kindly offered to take the girls this evening. Immediately upon hearing this news of impending aloneness, mighty visions of grandeur began dancing through my mind. I would clean the whole apartment, beginning with the basics. I would then move on to the finer details, such as vacuuming couch cushions, washing walls, and organizing everyone's drawers. Next on my list would be the kitchen, including the rather scary, cavernous areas beneath my coiled burners. In between these very doable tasks, I would swiftly move loads of laundry from the washer to the dryer, catching up on email correspondence on my way. I might go for a run, pause for a dip in the clubhouse hot tub, return to post a few blogs, finish my book, and possibly go for walk with my nikon. I couldn't wait. I counted down the days...the hours.

And now here I am...a french press of strong coffee at my side, the seemingly "doable" tasks still beckoning for my attention. The basics are done, laundry not far from completion. The couch cushions and burners, however, are another story, not to mention the run, dip in the hot tub, photo shoot, and wall washing. I did manage to fit in a hot bath, my new Better Homes, and now, a little ditty about my evening.

g'nite all.

"There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freeom..." Colette

Sometimes...

I cheer my prayers. On most occasions, I begin in ready position for "Dear" perhaps followed by a High V for "Lord". Next, you might see me add a few Daggers, a possible Broken T, and every once in a while, a High Clasp, depending on which word this corresponds with. My final move, a rather mean Herkie, is always reserved for the "Amen", for reasons I'm sure you understand. I've found the ratio of one "move" per syllable is ideal, yet I admit I mix it up sometimes, adding more syllables per move.

We will remember these nights, my girls and I. We thank God for the little details of our day as we laugh between all my attempted moves that can't be found on any cheerleader websites, as quite frankly, I know nothing of cheerleading. What I do know, however, is how much I feel God as the four of us are together in this room, laughing so hard we can hardly talk. Oh, how I desperately want my little women to associate God with all of life...I want them to see Him outside of any box or building. I want them to never question his "bigness"...to know he can handle their fears, doubts, questions, mistakes, even cheered prayers.

"I'm going to live my life inspired. Look for the holy in the commonplace. Open the windows and feel all that is honest and real until I'm truly amazed. I'm going to feel all my emotions...Oh, the glory of God is man fully alive." Sara Groves

a good day...

I knew it was going to be a good day when I got in the car this morning on the way to work and this was playing. Other reasons why today was so great:

• good conversation with my brother on my way to work
• attending class for work which meant a nice hour commute by myself, divine food, free products, and seeing great people I've not seen in awhile
• catching up with my cousin, tracy, on my way home from work
• Sydney's 100% on her spelling test
• returning home to find Joel vacuuming, running the dishwasher and throwing a load of clothes in the wash
• no wait on the treadmill tonight
• feeling like a gazelle as I ran
• sushi with lots of wasabi for dinner

g'nite.

let it snow

Such a cozy evening here...cleaned apartment, rearranged furniture, did a few loads of laundry, finished (tearfully) reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever to the girls, and then basked in the brewing winter storm as I read my book on the couch with my favorite blanket and a hot cup of tea...can't wait to see what we wake up to in the morning.

g'nite.

delayed gratification

I am so proud of myself. Months ago, I put a hold on a book at our library. Since then, I've been tempted to buy it cheap on Amazon, but instead, waited ever so patiently...frequently checking my email for word of it's arrival. And then today it happened...I got online. I opened my inbox. And there it was...

"Hold ready for Pick-up"

Imagine my delight upon walking into the library, scanning the brown accordian folders on the hold shelves until I saw it's binding, tattered from hungry, late night readers, peeking out from the worn file, marked with my name.

"This nice and subtle happiness of reading, this joy not chilled by age, this polite and unpunished vice, this selfish, serene life-long intoxication." ~Logan Pearsall Smith

clarity

It's days like these I long for the solace of home row...to finish up the dishes, tuck the kids in bed, and finally...sit on the left side of my couch and just...

Type.

Send my random thoughts out into the void.

Fingertips...dancing carelessly across lettered buttons like rain on pavement.

Interrupted by nothing, except the steady beep of the microwave, signaling the awaiting comfort of my hot green tea.

That sweet metamorphosis as the clutter of my mind...unraveling with every letter, every word, until at last, becomes...

Clarity

A little silence is all I need...the knowledge that all are asleep and I am alone...with just my thoughts, the gentle whirring of the dishwasher, and the rhythmic pitter patter of my keyboard.

Clarity

It's nearer now...I can see it in the distance, yet still I reach. Search. Pause. Listen. Write.

Clarity

Yes, I can almost taste it upon my tongue, feel it in my soul. Just a few more words...a bit more listening.

"I love people. I love my family, my children...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." Pearl S. Buck

undecorating.

Behold, the extent of my fall decorating...golden delicious apples on my trunk. I'm undecorating. The process began in May when we took extreme measures to simplify our life.

We rented a dumpster.

We threw out junk.

We sold our house.

We threw out more junk.

Our simplicity quest continued as we moved in with in-laws and later, into an apartment close to Joel's work, eliminating the high cost of gas. We stopped spending. For real this time. We're getting out of debt, slowly simplifying our life, one day at a time and it feels good. Very good.

duncan hines, stout, and yahtzee games for $300, alex

And the weekend comes to a close...I worked all of it, but managed to fit in a bit of cake baking with Savannah, a Yahtzee game with Sydney, snuggles on the couch with the Sumz, and even a Sweetest Day dinner at Dusty's Tap Room with my man (where I confirmed my suspicion that I really do love stout...the dark, chocolatey, coffeeish flavors dance across my tongue like magic. In the words of Amy March..."Divinity.")

There's still much hemming and hawing going on in my mind about church. Our "home church" (as of August, when we moved here) seems quite perfect as far as professionalism and "excellence" goes - great graphics; flawless, hip music; heavy focus on the arts; good coffee...however it just feels as though something is missing, something I can't quite put my finger on...heart, perhaps, and a bit of rawness. Frustrated, we tried another church which was refreshingly warm and welcoming, yet quite cheesy. More later...

G'nite.

here I am again...

thinking...reflecting...dreaming. I miss church. Amidst all it's imperfections and conflicts, there was such familiarity...comfort....community. I had no idea life in a new town would be so....isolating. Eight weeks or so ago, my optimism got the best of me. Not that I regret this - as it really was the best option - it's just that I hadn't anticipated all this loneliness. After all, I love adventure...exploring...meeting new people. It's just that the adventure and exploration have seemed to have worn off a bit and the people? Well, they're just sort of...not there. I find myself peering around Meijer end caps in search of a kindred spirit. It's just that everyone just seems so...serious - whether they're walking in and out of church, or intently assembling their organic groceries into their grocery carts. Meanwhile, I'm yearning to just connect - at the kids' school, at church, and yes, even the grocery store. It's funny how just a few years ago, feeling quite established and secure in my life, I was so quick to judge people such as myself, labeling them as needy or immature. And yet here I am...feeling quite needy and immature.

singing shoes

Getting back into blogging is a lot like running that first mile after a long hiatus (I seem to have a lot of those). I just have to lace up my shoes and get out there...put my pen to the paper...one foot in front of the other until...yes, it's not far now... that sweet rythym. Why does so much of my life feel so...intermittent?

Speaking of rythym, I can't stop reading...currently, it's "The Rythym of Life" by Matthew Kelley and I love it. I've never been more inspired to discover and be the best version of myself - even if that means returning library books on time.

Somer came into our room crying today because Sydney "made me smell her feet." It's difficult to maintain one's composure when telling your daughter we never make people smell our feet.

Sydney, distracted while cleaning her room (surprise), came into the kitchen tonight with a tennis shoe and said, "Mom, you know what is so funny about shoes? They always look like they're singing." This remark was quickly followed by an imitation - she held the shoe up next to her face, opened her mouth wide, and sang, "Lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," complete with vibrato. Strangely, I could actually see the resemblance.

The girls and I are befriending our Korean neighbors just below us. Or rather, they're befriending us. We talk about kids...food...working...Korea. I like them. I like the way their apartment smells of rice and ginger. I like how Kyung He says, "Guh Jah" as Savannah copies the Korean alphabet. I like how all cultural differences seem to disappear as she says in her kind, broken English, "I understand." And I believe she does.

Calculators, natural peanut butter, and moving for $500, Alex

It just turned ten o'clock and I am serenaded by nothing more than the hum of my computer and the sound of numbers crunching on a calculator...I am at my in-laws, also known as my new residence. As they tally their figures, Joel and the girls sleep soundly, while I idly escape to the myspace playground, browsing comments, blogs, and the like. Much deserved, I might add, as the last few days have been spent moving and all the preparations that precede this humbling endeavor. And by humbling, I mean trying to laugh as friends remove your washer and dryer, exposing years of lint, empty bottles of downy, not to mention underwear and socks that didn't quite make it to the dryer - and that's only the beginning.
So, here I am...slowly settling in, adjusting to our new space. Moves are difficult for me - I think I leave a piece of me in all the places I've lived. Earlier today, as the girls waited in the car, Joel and I walked around the empty house in silence, secretly wiping away a tear before the other might see. Snapshots suddenly replayed in my mind...the day we brought Somer home, fires in the fireplace, Christmas mornings, first days of school...
On the other hand, I am excited about turning the page and beginning a new chapter. I'm thankful for a place to live while we prepare. Being here is strangely...freeing. They live simply and slowly - making moments out of hot green tea and apples with natural peanut butter. And if there's one thing I need more of in my life right now, it's that...simplicity and slowness.
I'm the only one awake now, accompanied now by the ticking of the clock (they seem to have a lot of them here) and the bittersweet feelings of moving that I still, can't seem to shake.
I think I'll go make some green tea...